sunday big blog

VACATION

2009-07-26T12:03:00.000-07:00

THIS IS CRAZY THIS IS CRAZY...
... or, so says Clark Griswold, ya know it? yup. the old Vacation
is rollin' along pretty nicely, if'n I do say so myself. hey, we even
got a Family Truckster, but it's a lot better than the Griswolds'.
say, how do you like the image up top, there, campers? that's a
fucking classic, if I ever saw one. the old Ass-Paddlin', there, is
the toppers, you bet. yeah, yeah, I know~ I missed a few posts
here the last week or so... but, hey, I haven't had a real Vacation
in years and years (no, unemployment does not count), and I gots
to take advantage of the situation, I'm here to tell you. I'll admit,
Nurse Dish and I have been planning this for about 6 months. wow.
now, things are comin' to a head, if ya know what I mean. the thing
about it is, there's so much stuff to choose from as far as Vacation
Activities~ which way do ya go, eh? we looked at a bunch of stuff
before we decided on an Itinerary. a bunch. some of it was just too
fucked up to seriously consider. after some careful planning and
consideration, though, we came up with a plan. come on. grab your
Marty Moose Sing Along Handbook, and strap your dear old lovable
(and dead) Aunt Edna to the fucking hood... and scroll on down...

... this was Nurse Dish, 6 months ago. she looked like
Mrs. Kenny, here. yup. we knew we needed a break...

... so, the first thing we did was to get a good camera phone.

a lot of people like to drive a long ways for their
Vacations. ya see some fucked up shit that way...

... and, ya gotta watch out for Cow Tippers, too, you bet.

others like to fly. like these two jokers, who are spending
their precious Vacation Time... recovering from Frostbite...

... inside the Arctic Circle. too fucked up for us...

... but, we did plan ahead as far as "road food" goes,
with scheduled stops at places like Crap In A Box...

... "Home of the Hulka-Burger". OMFG that fucker's HUGE...

... and the Wobbly Boots BBQ, where they
always rub their fucking meat right, yup.

we did avoid the old Hot Beef Sundae, however...

... because it came from here. talk about eating shit.

we looked at maybe renting a cabin, too, ya know...

... 'til we found out what the locals were like.

say~ this guy's in the process of getting a Hooker from
Skid Row on his Vacation. to each his own I always say...

... one thing we're gonna do is check out a Museum or 2.

ya know, Spring Break is a Vacation of sorts, too. oh, yeah...

... you bet. talk about "Higher Education". my, oh, my...

College is great. it's where someone gave this guy The Finger...

... but, when all was said and done, well, we decided we're
gonna spend most of our Vacation at Viagra Falls. yup.
very uplifting, that place, as you can clearly see from this
photograph. we'll be posting on and off for a few days...

see ya next week...

last ~~week's~~ Big Blog

BARBIE, BARBIE, BARBIE.

2009-07-12T12:57:00.000-07:00

EVEN MORE BARBIE...
... as if ya hadn't had enough already, right? right. well, fuck it.
Barbie remains an Icon here in the US, as she's been for like...
... 50 years? that'd make her, like, what~ 75 or something? uh,
maybe this stuff is warranted after all. I mean, are there really
any 75-year old sex symbols out there? no, uh, we didn't think
so. so, then, hey~ why not take a little reality-based look at the
Queen, up top, there... who's image just happens to be called...
... "Realistic Barbie". in other words, a big, fat, overweight and
seventy-something, candy-eating slut-whore from back in the
day. hey, let's not stop there, though~ man, I got a attitude to-
day, like I wanna kill a postal worker, ya know it? yeah. fuck it
all, we're goin' for broke, here, at unbalanced. now, let's proceed
to rip this Chocolate-Consuming-Concubine a new Big Blog ass-
hole... come on. grab a tube of Preperation H and a roll or two
of exquisitie fucking Carmin toilet papers... and scroll on down...

oh, yeah. it's Fat-Assed Barbie. yo, slick, looks like you got
the "Jiggle while you Wiggle" shit down, there, Holmes...

... unlike old girl, here. yup. say hello to the new
"Mobility Challenged Barbie". me? I just would
have called her, "Wheelchair Cripple Blowjob
Barbie". 'cause that's all she's good for, and stuff...

... 'cept, maybe runnin' Heroin, ya know it? aw, geez, I went
and told y'all this was reality based. yup. meet "Heroin-Bootin'
Mainline-Junk-Addict-Barbie". holy FUCK, what a mouthful...

... but, a picture's worth a mouthful-O-Words. yup. say,
there, campers, meet "HeadHunter Barbie". oh, yeah...

... and then, there's this "Sarah Palin Barbie". ugghh.
OMFG. she's killed a fucking Moose and all... no won-
der she resigned as governor of Alaska~ I mean, what~
half the fucking population is Moose up there, ain't it?

here's the "R Kelly Anotomically Correct Ken Doll"...

... which is only slightly more fucked~up than this brand-new,
"Barbie Cannibal-Cookout-Play-Set". Holy Mother-of-God...

... of course, there's always "Rosemary's Barbie"...

... but, the real deal lies in "realism". meet "Victim Barbie".

then, there's the swell new, "Al Quaeda Hostage Barbie"...

... and, the utterly fantastic, "Head-Pull-Ken-Doll"...

... not to mention, the Now-a-Go-Go, Tattaoo-Slut Barbie...

... or, the slutty, "Animal-Lover-Barbie". wow, what a whore...

... but, not as much as this whore~ yikes. get
your Credit Cards out for "50 Dollar Whore
Barbie", there, campers. yup, she's a real slut.

in fact, she'll turn into Menage-A-Trois Barbie for a few dollars more...

... but, she could be Orgy Slut Barbie, for free...

... but, it's definately gonna cost ya for her to become
"Bukkake Slut Barbie". you bet. hey, not that she don't
deserve it, or anything, there. ya know it?? ~~~~~~~

there's the Crack Whore Barbie & Friends Play Set...

... and, the "Teen Pregnancy Whore Box Set". yup.

say? why not just Commit Suicide, there, bitch? you bet.

see ya next week...

last week's Big Blog

COOKING WITH SHTEIN

2009-07-05T04:57:00.000-07:00

COOKING WITH SHTEIN - STAY BACK !
today, we're going to take a look into my kitchen, as we'll be
Cooking With Shtein for the rest of the weekend. watch out-- there's some heavy food in preparation here...
and if we're not careful, we'll be needing some Preparation H.
so, go ahead and get a roll of toilet paper ready,
and start lickin' those chops, cause here we go!

whole chicken, huh? oh, yeah, we've been here before...
different chicken, same results...
- but just look at the size of those gargantuan spuds!

here they are, after completing the process. these are
sweet potatoes (or, do you say potatoes?), and I like to slather 'em with butter, salt & pepper, and eat 'em like squash.
these fuckers weighed over a pound each.

here's the bird... and while cooking a large turkey is a little taxing for me, I can cook a chicken like there's no tomorrow.
I like to roast it on it's belly, then flip it when it's half-baked.
or, maybe it's when I'm half-baked.

here's me in the kitchen.
either that, or they put the stove in the laundry room.

Crack Barrel, by Krap. it doesn't get any better than this.
you know, you can whittle this stuff into a Tampedo!

say! here's a real time-saver! I can't believe it's not butt!

I'm also skilled at making Shish-Kabobs. these are already half-eaten, and the mushrooms here are unbelievable...
...I've already eaten at least ten pounds!

finally, here I am, getting my just desserts. I told you we need to be careful. umm, I'll see you next week, after I get back from the hospital. talk about endangered feces!
Bon Appetit.

the doctor is travelling this weekend.
* originally posted on April 30th, 2006

enjoy!

last week's Big Blog

~ I N F L A T A B L E S ~

2009-06-28T12:20:00.000-07:00

MISTER FUCKING PEANUT...
... is dry-humping some other balloon, by the looks of this
magnificent bastard of an image, eh, campers? pokin' the
other one's freakin' eye out, too, looking at it. that's right,
this week, we're gonna take a Big Blog look at Inflatables,
woo-hoo! now, Inflatables are fun and harmless, and they
are some of the greatest things ever invented by man. yup.
man first flew in a Balloon (although it was not a Mr Peanut
balloon), we roll our cars and trucks down the roadways on
Inflatables (tires), and Inflatables even allow those who are
ugly as Sin to have near-normal sex, you bet. ya got Balloon
Animals (always a Hoot), Inflatable Advertising (hey, the old
Goodyear Blimp, ya know it?), and even Inflatable Santy-Claus
come Christmastime. yeah, Buddy, Inflatables are an integral
part of today's Modern-Now-A-Go-Go Society, and they're
here to stay, I'm here to tell you. so, don't go thinking we're
full of Hot Air today... grab yourselves a fistful of Dramamine,
there, campers... we're gonna go for a little ride-ski, oh yeah...

old Mr Peanut up top, there doesn't have a Monopoly on
goofy-shaped Balloons... get a load of this Hot-Air Parrot.

you can also fill Balloons with Water, ya know...

... just make sure they stay filled with something... or
else you'll wind up in some trouble like these poor fucks.

here's a swell Inflatable kids' Water Slide... although
I'm not really sure the Titanic was a very good choice.

the Military has been using Inflatable Decoys like these
terrific blow-up trucks since World War II. go, Army...

... and, these surplus Decoy Missiles make for a
fantastic practical joke out on the open highway.

hey, the Church has been using this Inflatable Jesus for years...

... and, Pink Floyd had their very own Inflatable Flying Pig...

... but, in the end, they had to get rid of it,
'cause it left all kinds of Inflatable Pig Shit.

check out this Inflatable Leg Lamp.
it's a Major Award, and stuff...

... and, old Sponge Bob, here, looks particularly
dashing dressed up as an Inflatable Pirate. yup.

ah, but the greatest of all uses for Inflatables
has got to be the Blow-Up Sex Doll... I mean,
think about it~ not only do they allow very
ugly people to have near-normal (ahem) sex,
but they're absolutely a riot at parties, too...

... and. you can organize Clubs and Societies based on them...

... hey, kids love 'em too, ya know it? yeah, you go, Junior...

Lesbians got 'em, too. just check out this swell Clam-
Digger (not that there's anything wrong with that)...

... that's right, Republicans dig 'em, too...

... and, even the Democrats are in on the action.

Hell, they even make 'em for dogs these days. oh, my...

... well, I'm just about out of breath, there, campers. yup.
time to hit the road, methinks. hey, have a Great Sunday.

see ya next week...

last week's Big Blog

ANNIVERSARY EXTRAVAGANZA IV

2009-06-21T09:31:00.000-07:00

RESPECT THE HAT...
... I've earned it. welcome, one and all, to this year's Lollapaloozic,
Jurassic, Monolithic and Gi-Normous Anniversary Extravaganza!
woo-hoo! that's right, donald james simpson / unbalanced is four
years old this week (scary thought, that). so, before we roll on into
Year Five, let's review... let's see~ what all has happened this year?
well, for starters, Party Pig crashed a Wedding. I wound up in an
Apartment Search that ended in the Big Move, and there was this
case of Identity Theft. the company I work for forced me to do a
trade show, we all had some serious fun with Google Earth, and we
got to see the Ass Candle™ and the Ass Cannon. it wasn't all rosy,
though, as a few peeps got upset over this post. what else? oh, yeah~
Sarah Palin was exposed as a slut, we all said Hello to Brocko, the
Cops got hosed down, and there was the usual shenanigans from our
friends at Homeland Security. on top of that, I threw in my two cents
on sex offenders, there was "A Tale of Two Beers", and we had a few
more insightful Health Tips. oh~ I almost forgot, I wrote two more
wonderful children's books, too. hey, Fire Farting Week was a blast,
ya know it? then, there was the time that the old Worm Hole landed
us at the World's Worst Zit. yup. we caught the last train to Auschwitz,
and we continued our movie mayhem, which included another swell
cooking lesson and a (gasp) dirty movie. the Holidays were nearly all
good this past year... Labor Day was a Hoot, as usual; we had some
real fun on St. Patrick's Day, and Mammorial ~~Day~~ Week was big big
big. Easter was terrific, as always, but (slap my ass and call ma a bitch),
we didn't get the Christmas Big Blog done, although we did post a gem
of a sing-along. that said, regular readers (you know who you are) out
there already know I had to just relax and watch a little Boob Tube.
hey, though, it's true, we returned after a two-month sabbatical... and
life is mostly peachy. did I mention that this year we won ourselves a
Major Award? true, dat. come on, forget about the bra up top, there,
already... a man's got the right to do whatever he wants in the privacy
of his own Home Sweet Home... so, grab yourselves a barf bag or two,
and some Pepto Bismol, there, campers... and, let's go for a little scroll...

we discovered some very disturbing trends this year...

... but, we also had a look at the old Inner Sanctum, yup.
this is where I like to keep my Shit Sandwich Spread...

... and, it's not like I enjoy shopping for some puked-up Corn.

ya know, some people might think I'm some kind of a dip...

... but, at least, I'm not fishing for Trouser Trout like old
"Fingers" McCain, here, who's sayin' bye-bye to Bushie...

... who seems to have some kind of an
expanded societal role in The Future.

this, though, is from the present. oh, them wacky Russians...

... they oughtta know that some things are just plain wrong...

... like this swell fire from when we visited the Capital Beltway.

this giraffe is definately into playing some Head Games...

... and, speaking of animals, I think we all know what would happen
if I ran the Zoo; but, Pig Fucking surely was not an Olympic Event...

... nor is inflatable sex. fucking Porn Merchants, ya know it?

it's true, for a while, there, we were playing some catch-up...

... but, as they say, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Hell, I even came out of the closet this year. yup...

... which is where this kid needs to go... either that, or else
it's back to school... my. quite the symbol of stupidity, this...

... but, these are the one and only Cymbals of Stupidity!

it's been a long year, but every Wednesday we do whatever
we need to do to find a way to get ourselves over the hump...

... even if it's not very charming, ya know it? you bet.

hey, thanks to everybody for stopping by, and thanks for all
of the comments. here's hoping the coming year will be good.

see ya next week...

last week's Big Blog
last year's Anniversary Extravaganza

MAXIMUM HYGEINE

2009-06-14T09:25:00.000-07:00

IT'S OF MAXIMUM IMPORTANCE
Happy Sunday, there, campers! today, we here at unbalanced
would like to take a little bit of time to talk about the importance
of... Personal Hygeine. sort of a Pubic Service Announcement, if
you will. yup. now, were not gonna bore ya to death talking about
stuff like Body Odor. no, you'd be pretty hard-pressed to actually
find a person these days who doesn't know all about the pit-falls
of being Pitted Out. that said, there are a number of areas which
do need to be addressed. now, take the image up top, there. that's
hanging in a ~~pubic~~ public restroom somewhere in Arkansas... it's
in Pigsknuckle, Arkansas, to be exact, if'n y'all needs to know, and
the locals down there don't seem to know how to properly use a
toilet (hey, be fair about it, though, guys... I mean- come on, they
only got toilets like three years ago, ya know it?). hey, a little bit
of Good Hygeine goes a long way... and a little bit of Bad Hygeine
goes a long way towards setting back the Human Race a handful
of generations. you bet. that's right, guys- zero in on that fucker.
you, too, Ladies, hey, there, DON'T GET UP 'TIL YOUR'E DONE.
geez, ya made me go and shout about it, and stuff. okay, so, pay
attention, this is important. now, go grab yourselves a gallon of
mouthwash, a tin of Tooth Powder, a big old stick of deodorant...
... and, a can of foot powder (if ya need it)... and scroll on down...

old girl, here, doesn't know the first thing about Maximum Hygeine.
come to think of it, she doesn't know the first thing about dressing
herself, either. hey~ somebody call the Fashion Ploice, already.

Oral (or, Dental) Hygeine is of maximum importance, too. now,
just how is old boy, here, supposed to eat his Corn-on-the-Cob?

Parents, listen up. Maximum Diaper Hygeine is of
paramount importance, 'cause if'n you don't use it...

... your young offspring will end up like this...

... or, worse, yet, like this. what a fucking Tard.

speaking of Diapers, they make 'em for the Elderly, too; but,
if things get out of hand and ya need to maybe hose 'em down,
you can take 'em to a Senior Wash Center like this one... yup.

People, try to always use Good Hygeine in the Kitchen Area
as well... not only does it keep the vermin away, it stinks less.

now, let's talk about Tampoons (mt favorite). yup, hey- Tampoons
are maybe the single most important item for Maximum Personal
Hygeine... and one of the greatest inventions in the history of Man...

... just be careful who has 'em and who doesn't... especially
if ya likes to get real drunk, just like old boy, here. oh, and
ya gotta be real careful who ya pick to drink with. oh, yeah.

Tampoons aren't all that nasty, though... just check out
these swell Tampoon Dolls... they're Fun and Harmless...

... as is this suave Tampoon Flute. oh, that wacky Zamfir...

... did I mention that you can make a really nice pair of
Holiday Slippers out of a batch of Kotex? (or, is it Kotexes?)

ya know, your kids are just gonna love this Tampoon End-Loader...

... and this rectacular Tampoon Gun, too. lucky kids these days.

Tampoons are more than swell at Halloween...

... or, maybe, they just swell at Halloween...

... either way, what could be better than this Tampoon Ninja?

note to self: never, never, NEVER munch a soiled Tampoon.

ya know, all this talk about Hygeine has got me feelin' just a bit
slimy and stuff... I think I'm gonna grab me a nice cold shower...
... Ladies, please remember to take all your make-up off, will ya?

see ya next week...

last week's Big Blog

IF I RAN THE ZOO...

2009-06-07T12:12:00.000-07:00

... IT'D ALL BE GOOD
really, it would. hey, fuck Dr. Seuss, ya know it? lookit, if
that fuck was really some kind of Gift from God, he'd have,
like, the Nobel Fucking Peace Prize, right? which he don't...
... what he does have is a lot more Syndicated TV Programs
than I do. yup. Cat in the Hat, my ass~ how's old boy, there,
gonna deal with the changes of the times? what about the
mutations and such, ocurring on a regular basis? hummph.
here at unbalanced, we welcome change. change for the good
of all. change for the better. change for the TollBooth. any kind
of change, dammit. so, if I ran the Zoo, this, you might see...

Olympic grade Hamsters in Ping Pong tournaments,
you bet. hey, what could be better, ya know it?

these Gerbils would be training for the Rowing Competition.

there's always be room for this Allibirdor, too...

... as well as this Cardinal Fox. yup...

... and this HummingMouse would always have a home...

... that is, as long as this DogBird has nothing to say about it.
oh, don't confuse this tiny fuck with a BirdDog...

... or, David Bowie's dog. Holy Fuck, what a mess...

... but, not as much of a mess as this FUBAR doggie...

... or, even this mad Junkie Dog. yikes!

ya could run across an Elvis Impersonator Dog, though.

chicanery like this would be kept to a minimum...

... and Primates would be left free to roam...

... but, when all is said and done, species like
old CowKitty, here, will always have a home.

yup. even FalconWolf will have a place at my Zoo.

the BananaFish? oh, yeah. a special Aquarium for him/her/it.

there won't be any Polar Bear tricks, ya know it?

... or any Ape-Jockeying going on, either.

I would make good and sure that animals like this
poor 3-armed mutant have a home and can never
be destroyed by the likes of PETA or the ASPCA...

... oh, hey~ what kinda Zoo would I be runnin' if'n there
wasn't some type of Pig~Fucker involved, ya know it?

see ya next week...

last week's Big Blog

THE SHOPPING SPREE

2009-05-31T09:22:00.000-07:00

CAMERA PHONE FUN AND GAMES
Welcome to the Digital Age, there, campers! ya know, I own
five, yes, five digital cameras... there's Fat Man, Little Boy,
my trusty Secret Weapon, the Web Cam built into my Lappy,
and, as if that wasn't enough, when I got a new phone some
time back, I made good and damned sure I got one that has
a camera on board. I usually have my Secret Weapon with
me, but, not at all times... thus making the camera phone a
basic neccessity. I mean, I try to never ever miss a genuine
and bona-fide photo-op. plus, there's always the very distinct
possibility of spotting a Tornado, explosion, or a UFO. yup.
nah, all seriousness aside, it gets used a lot more to get pics
of the odd and unusual I run across in day to day activities...
... like, when I go shopping, for instance. today, we're gonna
take a Big Blog look at some images I got whilst shopping, ya
know it? now, when I go shopping, I like it to be quick and
to the point... that is to say, I don't want a bunch of mindless
wandering, or a shitload of comparative pricing, or a bunch
of noise from A) the store being like a fucking cattle car 'cause
it's so packed; or, B) kids screaming and yelling and running
around like a batch of filthy animals whose Mom and Dad
continually show off their collective lack of Parenting Skills
by not putting said Rug Rats and Ankle Biters on a fucking
leash, which is where some of them definately belong. come
to think of it, some of the parents should be on a fucking leash,
too, you bet. okay, so I gotta mentally and physically ramp it
up for a tough and gruelling day of Shopping... case in point,
the image up top, there... yup. 8:05? time for some Starbucks.
oh, yeah, we needs the extra dose of Caffiene and Sugar just
to make it through this stuff. hey, why don't you grab one for
yourselves, along with a Jelly Donut... and scroll on down...

now, the Starbucks is all well and good, there, campers...
... just don't litter like the three swine who left this mess...

... it was probably a bunch of fucking Jokers...

... or, maybe a gang of Clowns jumped out of this Clown Truck.

either way, I never hesitate to tell 'em what I think. you bet.

once inside the store, ya get hit with a barrage of items
carefully placed to induce Impulse Buying... like this suave
motherfucking Elvis Pez Dispenser. avoid buying this crap...

... instead, focus on Health Care products. are you Gellin'?

I'd give my left nut to see the shopping list this ridiculous
bastard was working on, ya know it? Mini-Pads, a Mouse,
and security envelopes? holy shit. he/she must be a Yorkel.

it's always a good idea to eat before ya go grossery shopping,
there, campers. that's why I chose this here Rib joint, where
Pigs can fly, and stuff. oh, and the food was good, here, too...

... but, out back, they had this swell fucking dumpster, which
was coincidentally being bombarded by Radiation at the time.

back at the Grossery Store, now. what's that? ya say
you're still a little bit hungry, huh? well, ya won't be...

... right after ya run across this wonderful Drinking Fountain,
where someone was courteous enough to puke up some Corn.

supposin' we head to the office supply area... where you can
purchase this great new calendar of Nuns Having Fun. yup.

if ya pass the Shoe Shine Parlor on the way, you can pop on in...

... but, not me. I shine my shoes with this Jig-A-Loo spray
lubricant, available in the Automotive section of the store...

... which is where I got this photo of a batch of tires. oh, yeah.

on the way to check-out, I usually like to stop in at the
Lawn & Garden section. which is fucked up, because I don't
have a lawn or a garden. hey, I gots Worm Poop, though...

... and, near the cash registers... Sponge Bob Square Towel.
more drivel added to the Impulse Buy pile of shtein and crap...

... but, at least it did come with this tag, here.
talk about Truth in Advertising, ya know it?

well, my shopping is almost done, and I needs a beer.
check out this batch of Fat Tire, the beer that made
Brussels famous. well, maybe not. looks good, though...

... even in the Quart size. ya know, I bet this tastes like shit...

... I'll just fight the Snake to get some Mickey's Malt Liquor.

on the way out, I saw this fucking Peach of a sign. that's cold...

... try to hold it together, though. it's just a job, ya know it?

see ya next week...

last week's Big Blog

HEAD GAMES

2009-05-24T06:46:00.000-07:00

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE...
... well, maybe a little, huh? happy Memorial Weekend,
everyone. you bet. bein' a Holiday and all, today, we're
gonna have a little look-see at some fun and harmless
images we've unearthed on the internets over the last
several months. said images, well, they pretty much all
just show that things are not always what they seem...
... now, take old boy up top, there. Albert Einshtein? uh,
look again. in fact, click to enrage, then stare at it for a
half a minute, then, start to move away from the screen.
big change, no? yes! now, this post isn't all about optical
illusions... more so, just a wee bit of fun stuff, along with
a tad or two of photo-fuckery. yup. hey, it's cook-outs
this weekend, ain't it? grab yourselves a bratworst, and
a paw-ful of chips and dip... and, hey~ scroll on down...

they play some fun Head Games in some other parts
of the world, ya know it? oh, my. pencil neck geeks...

... and just check this out. OK, so, she's a dog.

yo, Mikey~ that is not, repeat, NOT Lorraine. bad idea...

... as was the crack smoking that old girl, here, partook in.

Talking Head Game. I just haven't
figured out the rules yet, though...

... but I know the rules to this game, a sick little
gem known only as "Booty Call". you bet, hey...
whoever can still breath at game's end wins...

... like this winner. nasty after-effects, though.

check out Monkey Boy, here...
... or, is it Monkey Girl?

this old dude looks a little fuckered up to me...

... but, if you have PhotoShop, you can pull off a stunt
like this one. oh, yeah... it's "The Old Switcheroo". yup.

"Give us your Wretched". wretched bastards, that is...

my, my, my. well, what a surprise this is...

... but, my advice is that... hey, no matter what you see,
you should never jump from a plane unless it's broken.

I have no explanation for this, but it's clearly a Head Game.

this Head Game, however, is just about to go South on
this poor schlepp. never, ever fuck with a Sea Serpent...

... and, for that matter, use your gloves for
their intended purposes, and for that only...

... such as cleaning your toilet. oh, this looks really nasty.

that said... sometimes ya just gotta Grin and Bear it. yup.

this is old boy, after he took the glove off his head. there, ya see?
hey, look, I told ya. intended purposes only. be careful out there...

see ya next week...

last week's Big Blog

ODD IMAGES

2009-05-10T13:36:00.000-07:00

ON GOOGLE EARTH
that's right, and it's here to stay, you bet. now, I like to use
Google Earth for work on a regular basis, especially since I
work in a major metropolitan area (higher resolution pics),
as well as the fact that GE has a very accurate ruler tool,
which I can use to measure up buildings. amazing. free. yup.
so, today... amongst the beginnings of whispers that the old
internets are slowly and gradually becoming (at least partly)
sentient, we're gonna have a Big Blog look at Google Earth.
there's a ton of fucked up images in there, ya know... what,
and not just the stuff like the old Crop Circle up top, there
(51° 25' 28.35" N, 1° 51' 19.97" W), and, yes, those are the
coordinates to load into the GE search bar to fly there. if ya
don't have it yet, grab it here... it is a fucking gas, I'm here
to tell ya. oh, yeah. all the images posted on here today are
click-to-enrage, for a quick close up; but, we've also loaded
in the coordinates to nearly all of 'em... so' y'all can plug 'em
in your own GE and play along, so to speak. that's right, there
is no photo-fuckery goin' on here, today, no-siree-Bob! these
are all screenshots I got whilst investigating a fucking gaggle
of the so-called odd or strange images and places. you can
also find more info, fan sites and hacker groups on the web.
oh, my... I'm rambling on, huh? yeah, it's pretty cool, dat.
come on, why don't ya? let's go for a little scroll, shall we?

this oddball is known only as "Stick Man". go figure.
33 ° 47' 43.56" N, 114° 32' 12.63" W

here's a shot of he Pyramids at Giza. yup. ya know, oddly enough,
though, old Shpynxter-Boy, there, didn't show well from overhead...
29°58'44.54"N, 31° 8'2.45"E

... but, this did~ the Dragonfly from the Nazca Desert in Peru.
14°42'25.01"S, 75° 9'12.35"W

check out this magnificent son-of-a-bitch from the land of
the Great White North, "Guardian of the Badlands", yup.
this, from Alberta, Canada (eh?) and not at all from the U.S.
50° 0'38.20"N, 110° 6'48.32"W

'course, you can always go South of the Border, as well...
as in, South, to Puerto Rico, which is where you'll find this
huge radio telescope, that the locals like to call, "El Radar"...
18° 20' 39.28" N, 66° 45' 10.30" W

you need to go back to America, though, to find these
crazy-assed and entirely radar-lookin' Crop circles...
39°41'21.12"N, 116° 0'6.81"W

... as well as these buildings which are leanin' into each other.
47°36'47.45"N, 122°20'2.04"W

speaking of leanin', I wonder what's wrong with this boat?
35° 9'18.10"N, 129° 8'50.35"E

oh, I get it. she must have run aground on these underwater
giant blocks of fucking submerged stone. yup, that'll do it...
43° 17' 27.72" N, 140° 38' 08.66" E

... and, here's an underwater factory from Cyber Legend CJ Sorg.
35°28'51.58"N, 89°52'28.54"W

ya know, ya just gotta love a 200-foot giant pink bunny that's
been constructed on an Alpen hillside. oh, those crazy Italians.
44° 14' 39.43" N, 7° 46' 10.69" E

being spy photos and all, sometimes GE releases pics
which have been taken at the most inopportune times...
... like during this suave mother fucker of a parking job...
33°46'52.38"S, 151°17'18.87"E

... but, he's got nothin' on this guy here, though, lemme tell ya.
52° 4'9.18"N, 4°18'50.35"E

click to enrage this "Flying Car" from Down Under.
sorry, it's gone from the GE database. file photo, only...

... but not this swell mother fucker of a crash scene, boyo!
46°45'56.41"N, 100°47'33.85"W

here's an extremely cool shot of a plane refueling in mid-air.
41°51'7.41"N, 121°28'44.61"W

hey, they even caught a Tomahawk Missile on celluloid!
38°13'36.20"N, 112°17'56.53"W

this guy here, though, is about to be in big trouble.
sorry ~ file photo only, this one.

occasinally, there's minor glitches in the GE database, which
blends multiple images together like a collage in the browser...
51°28'18.60"N, 0°28'55.93"W

... so, ya sometimes get stuff like these Color Bars, you bet...
51°44'58.02"N, 60°38'2.42"E

... or this one here, which I like to call "Error 404". LOL...
31°34'1.00"S, 65° 1'18.89"W

... but, for the most part, Google Earth just delivers the goods,
like in this spectacular shot of a herd of Elephants in Africa.
10°54'13.66"N, 19°56'6.15"E

we here at unbalanced would like to take just a moment to say
thanks to our sponsor for this week, Kentucky Fucky Chicken.
uh, thanks a lot, there, Colonel Sanders, Mother Fucker. yup.

yes, you'll find this one here... 37°38'46.00"N, 115°45'4.71"W

see ya next week...

last week's Big Blog

PORN MERCHANTS

2009-05-03T12:38:00.000-07:00

THE TROUBLE WITH SMUT...
...is mostly with the people selling it~ no, not the guys at
the Dirty Book Store, there, in your neighborhood. no, I'm
talkin' about all the Filth Peddlers out there in Cyberspace.
yup. over the last several years, they've managed to create
a culture of instant sexual gratification via the internets...
... a culture of addiction from which some cannot escape.
now, take old boy, there, up top. the poor fuck is a real geek
who may never get a date~ and now look, he's been busted
by his Mom whilst doing the Horizontal Bop with his very
own latex concubine, which he purchased (say it with me)...
... ON LINE. yes-siree, they got him hook, line and sinker,
alright, and they did it not only with bandwidth, they did it
with innovation. distribution on the web has made it much
easier for not only professionals to generate pornography,
but also amateurs and (ahem) webmasters. so, along with
the new influx of talent, so to speak, the World of Porn has
also expanded in style and substance... that is, if'n ya think
that Milf-Pokers.com has any substance about it at all. my.
back in the day, porn was basically all about bad acting and
The Money Shot. it's still about The Money Shot, but now
it gets delivered in short free clips you can get without ever
leaving your computer... and, there are several disturbing
trends going on out there which we're going to take a little
look at today. oh, yeah. so, come on... grab some Milk Duds
and maybe a mop... and let's go for a little scroll, shall we?

one of the most compelling changes out there has been the
innovation of the Wide Load. used to be, all you needed was
muzzle velocity like Peter North. now, you need volume, too

some porn producers have employed the use of silly props.
like this gal, pretty much clad in condoms. we'll just forget
about the "after" shot here, but click on her for a close-up.

Midget Porn has cum up the ranks in a big way, ya know it?

this is a screenshot from a Lego-Porn site, done with stop-
frame animation. these guys are up to some real sick shit...

... but not this sick. yeah, I know Lois is hot-hot-hot, but
I mean, does she really have to do Meg with a strap-on?

then, there's this Dwarf-Bang. pretty bad when
even Walt Fucking Disney gets in on the action.

of course, Clown-Porn has been around for a while... but this
clown takes it to a new level with the Balloon-Animal-Cock...

... and, then, well, here are his Sick Delta Buddies. that's
right... they have gone and invented the Clowney-Bang.

Nun-Porn. for the love of God, is nothing sacred?

wow. looks like old girl, here, is enjoying being eaten alive
by this Croc... I guess Bestiality is surviving, though. yup.

Skeleton-Porn is new and exiting. as a matter of fact, people
a just dying to watch this stuff. the unfortunate part of all of
this is it's having a detrimental effect on society as a whole...

.. like this Inflatable Race Club. the winner gets to hump
their inflatable significant other whilst the others watch.

this guy thought that he was exposing himself to the Arts.
turns out, he was just exposing himself and got arrested...

... which is better than what happened to this guy~
...who got electrocuted through his Dick. shocking.

this sad fuck has stooped so low as to take his own inflatable
animal out on dates with him. talk about low maintenence...

... and, there's this guy, who went to prison for fucking
this Car Wash Vacuum Cleaner. oh boy, does that suck.

hey, even the WeatherMan is getting in on a piece of the fun.

Spanking's been here for years... but not the all new
Barbie Spank-Action Play Set (complete with Ken).

I guess there's nothing left to do but find a Human Toilet Bowl.
hey, if ya can't beat 'em join 'em, ya know it? have a great Sunday.

see ya next week...

last week's Big Blog

REPEAT POST: ON THE BELTWAY

2009-04-19T06:30:00.000-07:00

LESS THAN A CAPITAL IDEA...
... in fact, it's downright shitty. yup. most of you who read this
pointless drivel on a regular basis already know that I currently
live and work in the Baltimore-Washington area. I actually have
to commute on the Capital Beltway to and from work... a shaky
proposition at best. see, the Feds have only allowed the building
of two (2) main bridges across the Potomac River... assumably,
for defense purposes. thing is, with the millions of peeps working
in and around DC, this only creates a bottleneck effect at water's
edge, every rush hour. that said, at least there's a lot of fucked-
up shit to see, and on a fairly regular basis. now, I usually have
at least one camera with me at all times (see top image)... and,
I try to never miss a genuine photo-op, even if I'm on the road.
so, this week, I'd like to share some of those Kodak Fucking Mo-
ments, as well as some swell photos and graphics I happened to
run across on the internets. I'm happy to say that the click to en-
rage function is in full effect here... so, come on, campers... grab
that dipstick, get an oil change, and scroll on down for Road Rage!

it's a good idea to have a very reliable vehicle if you're gonna
get on the Beltway. maybe even one that's a little hopped-up...

... but, it's a bad idea to use a cell phone whilst you drive.
you'll end up on one of these irritating warning signs...

... which would make you an Ass-Wipe. just like old boy, here.

sometimes, ya see really weird shit. like this skinny truck...

... or, this Load 'O' Bees. click to enrage. scary, that was...

... but, not as scary as this. when did wash-out and noted
child-boffer Michael Jackson move to DC to find work?

fuck. looks like he brought his old buddy, Bubbles, too. uggh.

yeah, there's goofy shit here. check out this car from the
Motor Pool at the Russian Embassy. oh, them wacky Russians!

did I mention that Andrews Air Force Base is right on the
Beltway? yup. they keep Air Force One there, and stuff...

... there is a lot of nutty stuff happening there, though...

... even so, they've gone and found a better way to commute...

... yup. flying lets you avoid stuff
like this FuckTard Crossing...

... which nobody pays any attention to, anyway...

... speaking of paying attention, this guy didn't.

then, there's the horror of gas prices. fuckers. they
say it'll be $5.00/gallon by the end of the year...

... people are starting to experiment with additives...

... or, worse. this joker here just decided to drive off...

... not that the Cops could do anything to stop him. this con-
stable had a little run-in with some Redskins fans, methinks...

... and, with no Cops, you can get away with murder...
... just get a load of that vicious wheel on this Semi...

... he caused this fire, ya know. nasty, them Teamsters...

... that reminds me... I think I'd just better watch my ass.

originally post on 5-18-08. stay safe out there...

last week's Big Blog

EASTER PARADE

2009-04-12T08:51:00.000-07:00

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST...
... and the Parade of Fucking Fools. ya know, once I went to
one of these so-called "Passion Plays"... which was actually a
pretty intense presentation. yup. thing is, though, they went
to the trouble of staging it in a real field... not in the parking
lot of a fucking mattress store. I'm laughing so hard at these
jokers that I'm about to piss myself. Sleepy's, no less, you bet.
fine, then. that said, a Happy Easter to one and all out there.
now, Easter, as we all know, is a fucked up holiday, ya know it?
first, there's Ash Wednesday, which marks the beginning of
Lent. anybody want some fish? then, there's "Good Friday"...
wherein we celebrate old JC getting his ass nailed to a cross
by the Spartans or something. so very festive, eh, campers?
next up, we have Easter Sunday, commemorating old boy's
body comin' up missing... and to top it all off, it's not even on
the same day every year, since the whole shootin' match has
been based on some crazed fucking Lunar calender. a special
thanks go out to the Catholics on that one; along with a hearty
back-pat for all the child molesting priests out there. Easter's
also been bastardized commercially (as has Christmas), but
don't get me goin' on that one just yet. before we get to the
fucking Easter Bunny, let's go for a little scroll and have our-
selves a liitle look-see at old boy himself, Jesus H. Christ...
... come on. latch yourselves on to a Ham-filled Feed-Bag,
grab a big old mouthful of Easter candy... and scroll on down.

I hate Catholics, but the one thing I can't complain
about is that old boy, here, had a sense of humor.

well, if it isn't Cheeses Christ! Holy Shit!

it's true, old JC knew a bit about food, too, alright.

speaking of Catholics... well, if ya gots enough cash,
well, then, all is well. "forgive me, Lord" "You Bet!"

all is well here, too. a very nice catch indeed...

... which was probably a result of the secret Commando
Training the Church doesn't want anybody to find out about.
turn the other cheek, my ass!

here he is doing his best Charleton Heston impression...

... and if that rifle mis-fires, he's got these magic
"Jesus Adhesive Bandages". they'll fix anything.

yup. King of Jews. King of Beers. guess I'll grab me a Bud...

speaking of bud, check out Michael Jackson, puttin' one
over on old girl by buddying up to her, dressed up as the
Easter Bunny. oh, that crazy Jack-O. what a sneaky fuck...

... just like this guy, who just finished a load of Easter Eggs.

careful with that Eater Egg hunt, too, ya know it? the dirty
little bastards can be pretty vicious when they want to be...

... you may be better off just doing the traditional Egg-coloring
ritual... and, then, hiding them inside the house, where it's safe...

... 'cause ya just never know when Eggzilla will show up.

the Obamas will not be having an Easter Egg Hunt this year.
first time ever at the White House, too. those poor, poor kids.

this is what happens when you allow Easter Eggs to hatch...

... that, and they go renegade on your ass, like these crazy
fucks gone wild at a strip club. boyo. talk about a Peep Show.

yeah, the fact is, we're probably all just plain
better off if we get rid of the Easter Bunny...

... so, if ya happen to spot the bastard, run his ass down.
just do it. yup.

what Easter could possibly be complete without
having a look at this swell Easter Bunny video?
oh, yeah. psychotic, this one. Happy Easter, everybody!

see ya next week...

last week's Big Blog

THE BOOB TUBE

2009-03-22T06:45:00.000-07:00

UNBALANCED TELEVISION
well, good morning, there, campers. that's right, it's back...
... the Big Blog is back on-line after a 3-month hiatus. oh, my.
ya know, life is nothing but a series of interruptions... and I've
been interrupted but good, recently. that said, I've been tryin'
lately to get back to posting daily, although I'm not yet quite
there. as promised last week, though, today we're gonna have
a little look at what I watched on the Tube last weekend, as I
was catching up on a little R&R... and getting over some type
of fucked-up virus. you bet. now, it's been documented on this
web site that I don't care for much TV. that's 'cause I think
that most of the programming out there is shit. oh, yeah... but
there are a few things I watch regularly. most of you know I
like most anything on the Hysterectomy Channel... but, on a
weekend like last weekend, even that can get a little stale...
... so, I gets to flippin' through the old channels, ya know it?
occasionally, somethin' good catches the old eye, such as the
screenshot up top, there, which, if'n I can correctly recollect,
came from something called The Enema Channel. man~ TV
got real fucked up after cable came into the picture, ya think?
boyo, there sure is a shtein-load of crap out there, but, you're
about to see that for yourselves. come on... just supposin' ya
grab a big old Bowl-O-Popcorn, already... and, scroll on down...

I saw this show about two guys who lost their
car keys. what a weak story-line, ya know it?

then, I saw a documentary about the End of the World.
yo, Slick... hey, just screw the limit. they won't care now.

there's "reality" shows out there these days. most of 'em
suck, too. these two fucks got voted off of their own car...

... and this was voted "Best Bitch Slap of 2005"... yup.

of course, you can always find a half-decent cooking show...

... or, some kind of obscure cable sports-programming...

... then, you've got your Home-Improvement
shows... most are kind of ambiguous, though...

... and, ya know, The Weather Channel is always a hoot...

... but, me, I like the adult cartoons, like South Park,
Family Guy, the Simpsons, and most of the stuff on
Adult Swim... but that's another post for another day.

did I mention I love "Star Trek: The Next Generation"?
(STTNG to the un-washed out there). oh, that Picard...

... but, usually, if I want re-runs, I'll run out to the store and get
'em on DVD. hey~ anybody out there remember "Goo Times"?

sometimes, it's good to just have a few friends over... and
watch yourselves a good, old-fashioned Horror Movie...

... but, Comedy can be pretty good, too, ya know...

... like, "Beetlejuice". hey, zip-it, Geena. only
thing is, though, it was on TBS last weekend...

... which is just chock-fucking-full of commercials...

... so, I flipped channels again... and wound up catching this
Stevie Wonder concert, which was... well, Stevie-Wonderful.
yup. ya really gotta feel sorry for old boy, there, ya know it?

after the concert, I put on "The Tonight Show", and there
was this slut on the stage, tryin' hard to get laid and stuff...

... so, I decided, to Hell with it, and I put on this video, instead.

it's good to be back. yesiree-Bob.

see ya next week...

last year's Big Blog

SUICIDE SOLUTION

2008-12-14T08:38:00.000-08:00

SO, YA WANNA DIE, HUH?
I know how this is gonna go. you're one of those people who gets
depressed when the Holidays roll around? maybe missin' an old
boyfriend / gitlfriend / spouse, who broke up with ya when you
didn't deserve it, the bastard? maybe ya never had one 'cause no-
body even notices you? maybe you get upset over some trauma
from the past, like physical and/or mental abuse? maybe you're
one of those anti-social peeps who hates all of Humanity? maybe,
just maybe you're clinically depressed and ya just can't cheer up?
well, my friend, if you've stumbled upon this website today, surf
no further; here at unbalanced, we're here to help! that's right...
... look no further for your Holiday Primer to End It All. ya see,
we believe the world just may be a better place without you... so
why stand in your way? heck, we wanna help! kinda like the little
Public Service Announcement up top, there, we're here to make
sure that your Holiday Plans go off without a hitch this season...
... "Down the road, not across the street"... yup. now, that's how
to slash your wrist, lemme tell ya. you bet. hey, though, maybe
you're a bit squeamish? can't stand the sight of blood? relax, huh?
we're gonna take a nice long Sunday Big Blog look at Suicide today,
so come on... grab yourself a long tall glass of Jonestown Kool-Aid
and a big old jarful of barbiturates... and take a little scroll with us...

... okay, "Across the Street" doesn't work very well, but
"Across the Tracks" is certainly a valid, viable option...

... or, go ahead and Jump. here's a little sign of encouragement
for the Wall Street Banker Bastards to jump... those fucks...

... hey, if ya got depressed friends, maybe you can all
turn it into a Festive Occasion? maybe even a contest...

... shooting yourself is a quick and traditional way to
End It All. come on, Bushie... please... pleeeeeease...

... so is hanging youself, like little Elmo, here.

less traditional is to electrocute yourself. hey, it is effective,
though, and who are we to criticize if ya wanna catch a buzz?

speaking of buzz, these dudes are definately buzzed...
... they also most certainly wanna die in that pool...

... some of the lesser-known-but-still-fuctional forms of suicide
would include the little-used, "Death by Too Many Fruit Loops"...

... and, the often scoffed-at, "Death by Living Cheese".
ya see? you can indeed eat yourself to death. you bet...

... or, even, "Death by Chinese Restaraunt". painful, this one...

... you can also drink yourself to death... but, the chances are
you just wake up with a Hangover. this one's tough to pull off...

... but not this one, "Death by Sex with a Fat Chick". ugghh.

there's indirect forms of suicide, like pissing off the military...

... and pissing off another government. these
people are pretty fucking stupid, alright...

... I mean, they blow themselves up and stuff.
it is a good option for suicide~ if ya got Enemies.

there's also the Hideous and Disgusting, "Death by WalMart".

yup. this Bear ended up at WalMart, and look how he
ended up. little bastard, he didn't even leave a note...

... even the Lego guy hates it at WalMart...

... but, they do have this swell new
"Suicide Bomber Barbie Play Set".

alright, now go and do somethin' about it, already.
you're getting me depressed...

last week's Big Blog

SUPERMAN

2008-12-07T09:05:00.000-08:00

FEELING HIS STEEL
faster than a speeding bullshit... more powerful than a loco
motive... able to heap tall buildings in a single pile... yup. old
Superman's been around for a while, ya know it? been por-
trayed by lots of guys, and some of them weren't even gay.
not that there's anything wrong with that. he's well-loved, all
over the world, too. I've been savin' up some goofy images &
graphics of old boy, here... like that Shteinerrific comic book
cover up top, there. soooo many sick implications in that one.
'course, ya gotta pretty much figure he's gay~I mean, he wears
tights and all... that, and he probably likes "Y.M.C.A." by the
Village People. besides, alter-ego Clark Kent was obviously a
flaming fuckin' homo. even with all that said, people still love
him, and I don't even know why. one thing, though... if'n they
didn't, I wouldn't have a post today. hey, grab a big handful of
Kryptonite, already, we're gonna take a Sunday Big Blog look
at the Man of Steel. come on~ let's go for a little scroll, shall we?

kids just love him. matter of fact, the town
of Metropolis, Illinois loves him, too. that's
why they built this ridiculously huge statue...

... and, dogs love him. oh, wait, maybe not...

... and, this guy wants to be him. check out that look he's
gettin' from old girl, there... who probably oughtta keep
her mouth shut, 'cause she sells Fish Kebobs. disgusting.

he's popular in Asia, too. yup. welcome to fucking Laos...

... and, he's even made a name for himself behind the old
Iron Curtain. look... up in the sky... this numb-nuts has got
the wrong fucking color boots on. god-damned Russkis...

... here we are in Israel, where he became popular fighting
Arab terrorists and suicide bombers and the like. Oy, Vey...

... ahhh, back in Metropolis... where Osama Obama is puttin' on
a Super Pose, after conducting such a Super Election Campaign...

... Hell, he's even well liked in Harlem. click to enrage...

... this fucking Dwarf half likes him. the
other half of him wants to be a clown...

... oh, yeah. even in the Animal Kingdom.

hey, what the fuck? this guy's not even supposed to be here...

... oh, but old girl, here, is. Supergirl, eh?

I think that in the end, the whole thing is over-
inflated... I mean that I think he's a big phoney...

... 'cause, after all, old Super Heroes never die...

... they just get old and fat...

... and in the end, the wind up not so Super at all.

Christopher Reeve would be rolling over in his grave.
that is, if he wasn't a Pig-Fucker and all that...
...oh, yeah... Driving Miss Piggy, ya know it? yup.

it's true. Tards love him, too. hope you have a great Sunday.

see ya next week...

last week's Big Blog

JUST PLAIN WRONG

2008-11-30T11:21:00.000-08:00

AND ON SO MANY LEVELS...
... it's true. ya know, we don't live in a world where all is in
black and white... or, where everything is fair, either. there's
times and circumstances when ya take a look around, and ya
just gotta say, "Ya know, that ain't right...". yup. sorta like that
image up there at the top. far and away, the worst possible choice
for a corporate logo, ya know it? I mean, it's horrible. they put the
damned thing up there twice, to boot. one would hope that this is
not a case of truth in advertising, huh? boyo, they'd better have
a Primo fucking playground out back to make up for this gaffe...
... that said, we're gonna take a look at some of this stuff here at
the Big Blog. what a world. I think it's time we take a little scroll
and find out just what this place is about. so, come on~ grab your-
self a shoehorn and a fist-ful of Vaseline... and scroll on down...

... Oh. My. Fucking. God. time to call the authorities...

... of course, they might not be able to do anything to help.
not when old JC, here, is tryin' to pull the old "Switcheroo"...

... but, maybe he ain't all bad. I mean, he
did make this nice catch down in Brazil...

... but, sometimes, power corrupts even the best of us...

... what I mean is, he should have stuck with the old "Water to
Wine" trickster.... these Hooters Girls wouldn't show their tits...

... and, now, not only are they ugly, but they lost all their skills, too...

... well, except for their shopping skills. this Ass Bubble Machine
oughtta make up for their new lack of parenting techniques. yup.
way to go, ladies... er, uh.... ~~men~~... ~~guys~~... ~~dudes~~... aw, fuck it...

... I gotta take that back. they can't shop for shit anymore.
holy crap, no wonder old Elmo committed suicide. this gem
of a toy came out just in time for Christmas, too. can anybody
say, "Black Friday"? this is truly fucked up. poor poor Elmo...

... but, I'll tell ya one thing~ don't ever piss off a Muppet...

... but, then, again, it's better to get pissed off than pissed on,
I always say. yup. looks like old boy, here don't like Kansas...

... speakin' of Kansas, check out the Big Boy in
Turkville... makes ya wonder just what type of
establishment the place is with smut like that...

... oh, I get it now. it's the type of establishment that caters to
Illegal Aliens. they'll probably bring on the Cock-Fighting and
the Tijuana Donkey Show next. talk about anything for money...

... and, here come the bartenders. what a couple of Mopes.

sometimes, goin' to the movies is a good escape.
that is, unless you're tryin' to escape something
that's just plain sick and wrong on every level...

... this is just lovely. that said, I'd like to point out
at this time that Jesus was, indeed, a Jew. oy, vey...
... maybe the movies ain't such a hot idea after all...

... I mean, the cinema sits right next
door to the Air Force recruiting office...

... which is next to the Navy recruiting office. Go, Navy...

... fuck it. I guess that in the end, Boys
will be Girls, and Girls will be Boys...

... and the Thinning of the Herd will just continue to occur
due to a little something we like to call, "Natural Selection".
oh, the stupidity of Fucktards...
yup.

have a great Sunday, y'all.
see ya next week...

last week's Big Blog

MOVING PICTURES

2008-11-16T16:20:00.000-08:00

HOME IS WHERE THE ~~HEART~~ FART IS
ya know, that's true. yup. that said, it's good to be back. oh, my.
the Hellacious Move is finally over... although I do have a metric
fuckload of stuff yet to unpack and put up. at least my internets
are back on~ slow, though they may be, at least it ain't ShitCast
this time. I hate those fucks. now, moving is a tough bit of busi-
ness, too. this one was especially difficult. out of state (only about
50 miles, really), and third floor to third floor, which is really bad,
but a doctor has to have happiness and the privacy to live a full
life (see top photo). I did manage to pick up a few tricks along the
way, this time, though. I wanna share 'em with ya today. come on.
snag yourself a big old box of road food... and, scroll on down...

the first thing ya need is boxes. lot's of 'em, at that. pass up
all the shitty ones here, though, and hit the grossery stores.

sometimes, you get boxes from dumpsters. along with semi-
used food, other peoples' furniture and abandoned babies.

it's always a good idea to hire a mover if you can afford it...

... if you can't, maybe rent a small truck. always helpful...

... and, always full of good suggestions, too. here, kitty.

if you can't rent, borrow somebody's old pick up truck...

... otherwise, it's time to load up the car.

road food is very important if it's a long trip or a bunch of
short trips. Mammoth Chunks make terrific road food...

... but, they're hard to find. keep some mock food handy...

... or, you could spend a fortune on fast food like this chicken...

... and, it's good to keep a Sausage Kit close by, too.

so, while I was gone, a lot happened. yup. Osama
Obama was elected the 44th President of the US...

... old girl, here, might be our new Secretary of State...

... Slutty Sarah was sent packing back to Alaska...

... and, poor old John McCain will just have to find
something else to do until his fucking gland explodes.

there was supposed to be a new video here, but
the new internets are too slow to upload the file.
too bad for them, I'm not under contract...
... yup. I guess this is to be continued...

see ya next week...

last week's Big Blog

A KINDER, GENTLER BLOG*

2008-10-12T10:34:00.001-07:00

* Originally posted on October 9th, 2005.

in an effort to be less abrasive (as well as deflect the heat I've been taking from the censors), I'm going to tone this thing down a notch or two, going to be a bit more cultured and ethereal.
this week, we'll be viewing some different and interesting forms of art.
the image above is a beautiful rendition
of a Celestial Event. we call this "New Age".

here's a lovely psychadelic fish painting.

sculpture's always a safe bet for a tour.

graphic arts and computer work are an up and coming thing.

photography is considered by many to be an art form....

....and it's been around for a while, too.

of course, there's nothing like a good watercolor to stir up the old emotions....

.... um ....

oh, FUCK IT, here's a DEAD DOG....

....and there were thousands killed in a terrible earthquake this morning.

how 'bout George W ripping the man-flesh from an unsuspecting public?

not much better than a murder scene, eh?

meet Mr. Potato Klan.... THAT'S pretty fuckin' cheerful, huh?

....well, I feel better now that that's out of my system. come and visit again next week, I'm going to have a Parade of Vomit.

last week's BIG BLOG

BYE BYE BUSHIE

2008-10-05T06:28:00.000-07:00

YA FUCKIN' COCKSUCKER
just a few weeks left 'til the ~~erection~~ election now, so I'd
like to expunge my photo cache of W images... which works
for me, 'cause I'm still packing this weekend to move. that
means I don't have much time today. oh, plus there's foot-
ball, this afternoon, too. yup. now, it's a pretty well-known
factoid that I hate this fuck's guts, and that the world will
be a better place when he's dead. mark my words, History
will show him to be the worst president ever, as if the current
economic and financial crisis isn't proof enough... but there's
still peeps out there who think that shit isn't his fault? shit.
luckily, he'll be out of office soon. boyo, come on down... yup.

here he is fulfilling his Daddy's agenda.

oh, my... it looks like Frodo failed after all.

hey, how can you respect a guy who's wearing his Drapes?

he's a legend in his own mind, too.

that's right. he may be stupid, but, he's evil, too...
...President Evil.

good morning, Mr. Pezident...

here he is with his drinkin' buddy, Saddam Hussein...

... and, his butt buddy, Tony Blair. God, that's gay...

... but, not as gay as this. not that there's anything wrong
with that... I am gonna be sick, though. this is just about the
time that the American people figured out that he's a moron...

... and a pickpocket. let's call a thief a thief...

... and, he's one sick and perverted bastard, to boot...

... but, here, he's showin' his true colors, campers.

... but I have to give him credit for a couple of
things; for example, he loves all types of animals...

... and, he always finds time for the Fucktarded...

... but, the fact remains that he's
still some kind of a fucking Joker...

... and, Daddy's Little Monkey, too...

... and, on top of it all, he brought on this financial crisis.

Fearless Leader, my ass. this guy's a fuck...

... who's gonna get his in the end. you bet. hey, it's true...
... I can't wait for this guy to be dead. yup. fuck him. hey,
adios, there Georgie-Boy. you're going to fucking Hell.

see ya next week...

last week's Big Blog

THE WHEELS OF MISFORTUNE

2008-09-28T13:32:00.000-07:00

HIRE THE HANDICAPPED...
... or, not. ya might end up with someone like this schmuck-o-la. yup.
now, Speds, Tards and Cripples don't like to be singled out for their
handicaps, ya know it? well, they're not gonna get any special treat-
ment here today, no-siree. this week, we're gonna take a closer look at
wheelchairs. aw, come on~ ya know ya wanna... why, I bet there's not
a single person reading this who didn't have a wheelchair race as a kid-
or at least wanted to. you bet. sure, it's pathetic when someone's stuck
in one permanently due to injury or disease... but, the Elderly? well, it's
just plain funny. Tards? fucking hilarious... but, then again, that's how
we roll here at unbalanced. ahem. so, come on... grab yourself a pair of
padded fingerless gloves, a blanket for your lap, and a big old honkin' can
of WD-40... and ~~scroll~~ -er- -um- roll on down. watch out for the bumps...

now, ya gotta love this warning sign, which seems to be
crying out, "Wheelchair attempts end in certain Doom"...

... but, old boy, here, has seen the writing on the
wall, and has turned back from the Bridge of Death...

... Granny Flash, however, didn't get that memo. she
ignored a warning sign, and now she's fucked. oh, my.
say? is that a Rascal™?

I love this one. this fucking douchebag got speared by
a truck. no, hold on... the truckster got speared by him.

ahh, now the new motorized, modern wheelchairs are truly a
magnificent asset to have. yup. they're good for lawn work...

... and, they'll get ya in and out of the local drive-thru, too.

you can get 'em all souped up, too, just like this little number...

... but, whatever ya do, try not to be an ass and
drink and drive. alcohol slows reflexes, ya know...

... but, then again, that's why it's so important to practice
up on games like this "Stephen Hawking Pro Wheelchair 2".

hey, the handicapped are here to stay, too, ya know it? just check out
this photo I took from a blueprint at work. even the architect knows ya
gotta make some accomodations for those poor, wretched bastards...

... like this special wheelchair toilet. huzzah! get a grip, Dude...

... or, not. me, I like this wheelchair with the Shtein-Hole
built right in. oh, yeah. now, that's what I'm talkin' about.

gee, lady, I think I've got a valid arguement
here, 'cause ya know what? it IS fuckin' funny...

... and, so is this Wheelchair Cripple Barbie.
this is one priceless fuckin' Gem, I'll tell ya.

I haven't seen this episode yet... but I'm sure
it's going to be sick and wrong on every level.

boyo, wheelchairs are great for sports, too, I gotta say. yup.
in my opinion, ya can't possibly have any more fun with a batch
of Tards, than to get 'em involved in a game using motor skills...

... and, they just love to race, too. that, and dig and scratch.

even these two are gettin' in on the fun. one thing, though... just
think about this the next time ya wanna order some Frog Legs...

... that's right, the Sky's the limit in a wheelchair... as long
as you have the courage, patience and persistence to learn.
that, and you're probabaly gonna need a shitload of drugs, too. yup.

see ya next week...

last week's Big Blog

BROCK O'BAMA

2008-09-21T08:35:00.000-07:00

WELL, THAT'S WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE...
... and, that's what I thought his name was, the first time I heard it
on the idiot box. yup. sounded kinda Irish to me; turns out... well, it
turns out he's maybe only part Irish. yeah, that's it. on his Mother's
side, that's the ticket. anyway, I wanted to find out more about this
guy, what with him bein' Democratic Nominee for President and all.
now, as of today, he's still a bit ahead in the Polls... but, that may not
hold up. see, he's capable of havin' a balanced party ticket, as the top
photo reveals... but, no. he had to go and invite some guy to be his
running mate, by the name of Joe Bite-Me. just who the Hell IS this
Bite-Me character? for that matter, who the Hell is O'Bama? well, I
had to know, so I did a little research. turns out, this character is a
character actor from way back, and I got the dirt on him now. yup.
what a great way to end a week's worth of a Smear Campaign...
...come on. suppose we scroll on down and get a little filthy, shall we?

it all started in silent films. here's a publicity shot
from the 1920's. turns out, he never played Abe
Fucking Lincoln. he also didn't free the slaves,
so, don't let him Bullshit ya on that one...

... but, he did play the Cowardly Lion
in The Wizard of Oz... that is, until they
figured out he that was half black...

... Vaudeville was a bit better to him, though. he actually was
one of the Three Stooges for 2 short film featurettes before
his checkered past ~and Moe Howard~ ... caught up with him.

when Rock and Roll got big, he tossed his hat in the
ring; but, wouldn't ya know it, the guy couldn't sing...

... shortly afterwards, he tried his hand at being an
Impersonator. that's right, meet John F. O'Bama...
... lone gunman, my ass~ there was a whole squad
after him. needless to say, that gig didn't hold water...

... but, it did hold it's liquor, as you can tell from this
Ba-Rat Pack photo from the 1960's. wow. what a sad
bunch of cheap and sleazy whores, those drunken guys.

in the 1970's, he tried out for a role in a movie called
"Star Wars". they gave the job to Alec Guiness, though...

... and, when he tried to get back in as a 'Droid,
they had security escort him to the front gate...

... then, there was the failed audition for the hit
TV show about the ghetto, "Who's Your Momma?"

he did manage to be a successful model for some toy
manufacturers, however. yup. "Tickle Me O'Bama".

then, one day in Metropolis, he got a Super idea...

... he could just buddy up to all the Democrats,
and become a Politician; and, at first, it was ok...

... but, then, he lost his cool, and he Bitch-Slapped Hillary...

... after which, he got his own Posse, including a batch
of Ho's, and the Phat and Nefarious, "Sekret Servizz"...

... and, when he started to climb the old Political Career
Ladder, well, he came to find out that he was qualified...

... trouble is, now he thinks he's Jesus H. Christ...

... I gotta tell ya, though, he's sure got that whole
walking-on-water trickster down pat, ya know it?

now, if only he could lose that Religious Baggage he's
been totin' around with him for years and years...

... otherwise, we just may be fucked again. God help us...

watch out, I gotta go hurl...

last week's Big Blog

APARTMENT HUNT

2008-09-14T09:13:00.000-07:00

IN SEARCH OF NEW DIGS
ya know, a lot of people often ask me, "gee, doctor chip, how do
you like to go about finding a new place to live?" true, dat... so,
in order to cut a bunch of you off at the pass, so to speak, I've
taken the liberty of outlining it here, in the Big Blog, for you all.
actually, I've been around quite a bit... and, being pretty well-
traveled, I have this stuff down to a system. well, for the most
part, anyway. the first thing you have to consider when looking
for new digs is the same as for a retail store... location, location,
location. now, take that image up top, there... what a great name~
but, hey, it looks like it's on Mars, meaning it's less than an ideal
candidate. I mean, just think about the commute and stuff... so,
when ya know you can do better, you move on with your search...
... come on. grab a Corn Dog or two, and let's go for a little scroll...

keep in mind that you shouldn't even bother looking any-
where in a neighborhood which is a known Shit-Hole...

... after all, holes are bad and stuff. look at this trapped slut...

... also, be wary of ads which use the terms "Newly Re-modeled"...

... and "The Perfect Home". maybe for Captain Ahab...

... but, I was able to find the perfect looking home for me.

okay, we have a strong candidate... the next step
is to do a drive-by through the neighborhood... you
know, check for signs of gangs, poverty or Fucktards...

the coast is clear? good. now, we check to make sure there's
at least some type of convenience store close-by. damn, I just
hate driving 20 miles to get something on a holiday or during
the middle of the night, ya know it? this one's a real winner, too...

... next, we make sure there's no sign of Vermin.
look for Rats crossing the road, Vultures flying about,
or a large population of stray Cats... if ya don't see
anything obvious, you're probably alright and okay...

... if all that stuff pans out, see if there's any nearby attractions.

after all that, but before it's all said and done, you're
gonna need to talk to some rental agents. usually, these
people are a Batch of Fucks, but, sometimes, ya get lucky.

find yourself an acceptable floor plan which suits your needs...

... and, check the amenities. for example, this fine candidate
has Satellite but no Cable. no good. don't need a 2-yr contract...

... next, the place has to pass a few little tests. Adios, Ducky...

... and, I prefer sliding glass over French doors...

... it's always good to get into a place that'll accept pets. yup.

you need to make sure that you're
gonna have adequate privacy, too.

last, but not least, take a good look at the Kitchen.
the Kitchen is the most important room in the home...

... you definately need a good fridge to hold all your stuff...

... and, for God's sake, make sure you have a really good
set-up, prep and cooking area for your Microwave Oven.

well, that's pretty much it. don't ask
me again, okay? see ya next week...

last week's Big Blog

DISTURBING OVERTONES

2008-09-07T10:20:00.000-07:00

SWEET DREAMS, PORCUPINE.
oh, my. now, those of you who visit this site regularly know
we here at unbalanced just love a good image search once in
a while... that said, I've been savin' up some really fucked-up,
funny and particularly disturbing images I've happened to
come across in my travels about the internets. you bet. boyo,
there's a lot of really weird shit out there for the askin', I'm
here to tell ya. like the little animation up top, there, which
came up whilst performing a web search for "Sweet Dreams,
Porcupine". man. I feel sorry for this guy, ya know it? I mean,
what could be worse than a bunch of Dicks sneakin' up on ya
when you're tryin' to get a little shut-eye? maybe gettin' corn-
holed in prison, that's what. yup. better put the kiddies up for
this one, campers... we don't wanna upset 'em, huh? that's the
ticket. put on a Disney movie for them to enjoy... then, grab a
barf bag. you might need it after this. come on, then, let's go...

life sized male sex doll, non-inflatable. OMFG.

I think, maybe, it belongs to this guy. looks
like he's all about toys and stuff, ya know it?

oh, yeah. the cops found this in his car when
they arrested him for impersonating a human...

... right before they caught up with his girlfriend.
this is just sick and wrong on so many levels...

hmmm. darts in the old derriere, eh? that's gotta hurt...

... but, not as much as this here "Cooter Punch".
wow. looks like that guy can do some damage...

... just ask Henry Winkler, who recently pissed him
off. I guess old boy, here, is fucked, now. Aaaaaay...

... don't worry, though. he's movin' in with
Richard Simmons. boy, what a fuckin' homo.
not that there's anything wrong with that...

... even if your name is Cher and you're a pedophile /
Lesbian / Child Stalker. meet Cher's friend, Cher-Alike.

now, this should just plain be against the law. hey, I don't
mind the whole nudity thing, but a Flying Penis? damn...

... now, I wonder where this guy's wife is at?

oh, here she is. must have been her idea, what, since
she's gettin' pictures and all. well, to each his own...

... unless, of course, when his own happens to be
an inflatable Chicken sex toy. gee, that's sick...

... as is this unexplained photo I found a couple years back...

... but, this one is self explanatory. "Now, Billy... how many
times have I told you not to masturbate with your puppet?"

say! old girl, here, looks like she'd be loads
of fun at a party, if'n ya know what I mean...

... oh, yeah! she got that old "Bearded Tattoo"
goin' on. boy, that's a great old gag, ya know it?

hey, speaking of gagging, I took this photo at work last week.
I really do not want to know what happened to the banana.

this is just sick and wrong. I sure hope whoever took this
shot is sitting in prison right now. that'd be a good thing...

see ya next week. stay safe out there...

last week's Big Blog

FUTURE TIMES

2008-08-31T07:42:00.000-07:00

THE FUTURE IS NOW
everything else is History. yup. welcome, friends, to the Future.
this week, through the magic of Bloogle, we're gonna take a look
into the old Crystal Ball, and get a little glimpse of things to come.
no, not like that, gutterminds... I mean things that will happen at
a later date. now, don't lose any sleep over any of this stuff if ya
see something that upsets ya... this is all pre-destined, and there
isn't a damned thing anybody can do to stop it, either. but, hey, it's
not all bad, ya know it? for example, there's the Anti-Gravity Cat
up top, there... which will eliminate the need for airplanes... better
get some safety goggles, though, 'cause it looks like little Tabbie,
there, would gouge your eyes out, given half a chance. you bet. so,
that said, go on and fasten your safety belt, grab a couple of jars
of Tang and a handful of Space Food Sticks, and scroll on down...

in the Future, the Space Race will definately heat up again...

... and, like the present, the offspring technology will benefit
society. this Future police android is a result of that scenario...

... unfortunately, Big Brother will also be alive and well.

in the Future, cars will be DeLoreans with time machines
on board... so, nobody will ever be late for work again...

... and Congress will sanction the use of cab drivers to
help keep down the number of bicyclists on the road...

... as well as legalize being under the influence of Alcohol or
Drugs while operating a motor vehicle or heavy machinery.

in the Future, medicine will become Socialized, so that even
giant mutants such as this guy get the medical treatment they
need. not that it'll help; see, they're gonna eliminate malpractice
suits, too. case in point: this mutant has a broken left wrist...

...but, at least he doen't need a Skin Graft. boy, are those
ever gonna go downhill. it's almost enough to start a riot...

... but, if they do, Big Brother is ready for 'em. they'll have these
scoopers, like in Soylent Green... which is made out of people...

... and you'll buy it at the Mood Fart. they're gonna have to
change the names of these, 'cause food won't exist anymore...

... which is why "FridgeHenge" will be created. wow.
this'll absolutely fuck over some future archaeologist.

in the Future, we'll discover that Hillary
is actually a robot. what a surprise...

... but, we won't be surprised to learn that old
W, here, has discovered his true calling in life.

in the Future, all Cheerleaders will get to carry Uzis.
"you'd BETTER give me a 'C', you motherfuckers"...

... but, most of us will have deadly, brain-frying ray guns...

... unfortunately, they will be issued to the stupid, as well.

in the Future, Tard Hunting will become a league sport...

... and will eventually supplant both NASCAR and the NFL
as the number-one all-time spectator sport. I can't wait...

... listen, I gotta go take my meds, ya know it?
yup, that's right... fuck it all.

see ya next week. stay safe out there...

last week's Big Blog

THE WARNING SIGNS

2008-08-24T14:02:00.000-07:00

KNOW HOW TO SPOT THEM
this week's Big Blog is a very special ~~Pubic~~ Public Service
Announcement, brought to you by donald james simpson /
unbalanced. we're going to take a look at some interesting
and useful cautionary signs. it's important to be able to un-
derstand these, as they will keep you out of trouble... that
is, as long as you pay attention to 'em. yup. now, take that
one up top, there, for instance: DON'T BE A DOUCHEBAG.
now, of course, you can just ignore it, and go on ahead and
be a DOUCHEBAG anyway... or, you can pay attention, be-
cause as the sign clearly indicates, if you indeed ARE a
DOUCHEBAG... well, you get your fingers severed. that's
right. so, tuck away those dextrous digits, there, campers,
and let's go for a little scroll, shall we? it's fun and harmless...
one thing, though... whatever you do, do NOT click on those
tiny little thumbnail images, okay? alrighty... let's go...

I like this one a lot... yup. GROOVES IN ROAD
ABOUT TO THROW YOU TO YOUR DEATH.

POINT SYSTEM. always good to know the score, eh?

WARNING: ROADKILL AHEAD. very informative...

don't you dare.

... as is this one, FALLING COW ZONE.
thanks for the warning...

they don't all have to be yellow to be useful, either. nope...

... in fact, this one's very useful... and no yellow on it...

you'll be sorry.

... just like this one. 'course, this one is from abroad and all...

... but, usually the yellow ones are the best ones. SHARP
EDGES. special thanks to the Department of Redundancy Department...

wow. talk about a mouthful. boyo, you said it!

it will be bad.

here's a real eye-opener... DON'T
BE A MORON... extra informative...

GODZILLA DESTROYING CITY.
oh, them wacky Japaneses...

... who also designed this warning label
for some machinery they're exporting.

you really shouldn't.

those campers in the background didn't believe this sign.
that's when I put their pictures on the internets... on
the FBI's 10 Most Wanted List. maybe next time, they'll listen.

GOOD LUCK should be WHAT THE FUCK.

this one will leave a mark.

WIZARD WARNING. better turn around and go home...

... unless you live here, in which case, ya
better get the kids the Hell out of there...

you'll be scarred for life.

say! I think this one here's a Swedish
warning sign for NO ASS CLOWNS...

DEAD END. what a way to end the week, ya know it? yup.

oh, go ahead.

see ya next week...

last week's Big Blog

SHORT ON TIME

2008-08-17T15:19:00.000-07:00

FARM LIVIN', YEE-HAW!

due to serious time constraints we will not be posting a new Sunday Big Blog this week. instead, here is a Big Blog originally posted on August 14th, 2005. we'll be back full strength next week.
have a great Sunday!

this week, let's focus on FARM LIVIN'.... a little tour of rural America. a little slice of heaven. take your shoes off. set a spell....

this is where we started our country holiday. I think the name says it all....

here we see Mr. Rancher trying to pull a fast one on a member of the herd. the joke's on
him, though, 'cause this is a bull....

...and here's Mr. Rancher preparing to go undercover so he can find out which cow put the bull up to their little practical joke....

the farm hands just watched "Troy" in the bunkhouse. looks like they've got a bone to pick with Mr. Rancher....

this is a shot of Mr. Rancher administering a little TLC to one of his chickens....

....and here's the chicken after he finished....

....and here's the chicken's big brother....

this is our friend, the pig. he looks a little upset. I think someone tossed a pearl before him....

....this is him after losing his battle with Swine Flu....

here's a cute little lamb being examined by Mr. Rancher....

....and this is her after she got corn-holed....

what farm would be complete without a donkey? take a look at this postcard from "Betsy", who was sold at auction to the Republican Guard....

at the end of the day, it's always good to get in a little horseplay in order to relax....

and, finally, here's a look at President George W. Gumby getting what he so richly deserves....

so, that's all for this week. I sure hope you enjoyed our view of American Farm Life. tune in again next Sunday for another riveting edition of the Big Blog. y'all come back, now....

last week's BIG BLOG

WELCOME TO BEIJING

2008-08-10T13:15:00.000-07:00

LET THE GAMES BEGIN
well, it's 2008, and that mean Olympics, boys and girls! Boyo! just
never you mind all that barbed wire, up top, there. forget all about
the lung-closing Smog that that shit-hole Beijing has become... and
don't pay any attention to all the Political Murder in the Name of the
State that's gone on ever since old Mao was knee-high to a Chinese
Grasshopper. you know, there's a ton of fun and wacky stuff at the
Olympics, oh, yeah! say, ya know, I sent a letter to the International
Olympic Committee a while back, and I had some ideas for some great
new events, but the fucking bastards wouldn't listen. those fucks...
... that said, though, hey, I thought I was onto some real winners, ya
know it? so, I just kinda figured I'd go on and share 'em with all of you
this Sunday. come on... grab an Egg Roll, and let's go for a little scroll, eh?

ya gotta love them opening ceremonies, huh?

here's a good one. Free-Style Ball Buster. the IOC didn't go for it...

... but, for some reason, they allowed this guy
to dress up like a Penguin. that's fucked up...
... ya know, I think he boffed 'em out back...

... they didn't like the Barbied Wire Long Jump, either...

Ballerina Biathlon. ready, aim, pirouette. didn't go, though...

... even though they considered this guy for a Mascot...

... I tried to get them to change the Wrestling events from
the Roman-Greco to the newer Nacho Libre. it's a No Go...

... hey, they did take a look at Chubbs Mini-Putt Olympic Golf...

... but, the 400 Kilo Water Displacement Diving was ruled out...

... as was Shark Obstacle Marathon Breaststroke, which I found
odd, because they LOVE swimming at the Summer Games...

... I tried to get 'em to bring back the Javelin Catch, too.
the filthy bastards weren't interested, though. fuckers...

... Midget Hoops. blatantly given the cold shoulder...

... as was this one, Heisman Keep-Away. they got no taste...

... and neither does this guy, after a game of Face Bash...

... which was rejected, along with Olympic Spot the Looney...

... and this... Olympic Elephant Polo... any questions...?

that's right. Olympic Twat Baton.
shot down in flames, my friends...

... so, I'm not going. seems to me that it'd be just like
puking out a shit-load of money... and who needs that?

see ya next week...

last week's Big Blog

OPENING PANDORA'S BOX

2008-08-03T11:34:00.000-07:00

BOX OF SHTEIN WITH VEGGIE SPREAD
yes, here we are, once again. I've spent way too much time here lately,
but what the hey. at least I'm out of the house before 3pm on Sunday,
ya know it? only problem is that my photos are all organized and stored
at home, on an external drive. no matter.. this Sunday we're gonna talk
about the Pandemic Bread and stuff. yup. more than a little appropriate,
considering ~~Comcast~~ Shitcast won't be in to re-connect me for another
week. those fucks. I fucking hate them. anyhow, if you've never been to
a Panama Breadfruit, find one and stop in. they have good coffee, drinks
and food. oh, and take your laptop, too. they gots free internets, ya know...

I've been gettin' ready for some campin'. this is some of the
new gear I picked up. not shown: rocket launcher and toilet.
oh, wait... the toilet is shown. well, whaddaya know!

that green thing holds tiny hand grenades. yup...

... just big enough to cap a chicken's ass. chickens are good in soups,
pasta, Bar-B-Q's, breads and cereals, tomato sauce, puree, and...

... Chicken Fucking Salad. of which, Pandora has a very nice
one. Chicken, that is. Chicken Fucking Salad Sandwich. yup.

at least, I think it was a chicken...

... what the heck. ya know, meat's meat, and a man's gotta
eat. so what if it wasn't chicken. this Bagette sure is good...

... of course, some people will eat anything, good or bad...

... sometimes I gotta wonder about stuff like Viscosity in foods.
I'm relatively convinced this condiment is about 30-Weight...

let's not go here. we don't know where
that tongue has been, for God's sake...

... in fact, I think I'd better check the ingredients...

... "may contain lactose and feces". hmmmm....

... did I mention I'm a gun owner? that's right.
Charleton Heston was my President. you bet.

I caught this dude staring at me whilst uploading some
photos this morning. I'm pretty sure he was a fucking
homo. yup. not that there's anything wrong with that...

... still, I need to get gas. I mean, I gotta get some gas... aw, fuck it.

See ya next week. stay safe out there...

last week's Big Blog

THE INNER SANCTUM

2008-07-27T12:58:00.000-07:00

WHERE FINGERS GET PULLED
lately, I've had to spend so much time at work that it's not
funny... what, with being busy busy busy as hell as of late,
and, having no internets at home, 'cause of Shitcast. rotten
fuckers. that means I've been scrambling not only for time
to put up posts, but to even get somewhere that I can 1) ac-
tually put up a post... and, 2) be left alone long enough to do
it. it's ben a little rough this Summer- too bad for me, where
I live, there's no viable service option to purchase internets.
oh, my. in the meantime, well, let's just say what is the truth:
that Life ain't nuthin' but a Shit Sandwich, and sometimes, ya
gotta take a bite. maybe a mouthful, at that. anyhow, I have
a ton of video to edit, and 2 tons of laundry this weekend. so,
this Sunday, I'll give you a little tour of where I work... my own
office. yup. the inner sanctum. my own little slice of Hell... well,
sometimes it is. Shit Sandwich, aha. come on, and take a bite...

this is my desk. this is my desk on Drugs. any questions?

I usually keep some goodies in stock in case I get
too busy to leave. which happens a lot, by the way...

... nothin' like a Cold One to get you through a hot afternoon...

... unless it's this crap. it didn't taste like Bubble Gum. it
tasted like shrimp. Bubba Gump Shrimp. fuckin' bastards.

I keep a runnin' supply of caffeine here at the Inner Sanctum.
these Starbucks Doubleshot espressos really kick some ass...

did I mention that sometimes, ya gotta take a bite? oh, yeah.

I keep this Stewie bobblehead on my desktop printer.
he fends off morons and Evil Spirits for me and stuff...

... ah, but, this here mother-fucker is the fuckin' Mother of
All Printers. that's right, it's the HP 500 Series Plan Printer.
oh, yeah. she's my Bitch! 5-foot-printer, boyo! here's her work...

... plans. yup. lots of plans. we use 'em to plan and stuff.
occasionally, though, I like to print out wall-sized photos
of Midgets, or, maybe, the TardBlog kid, and tack 'em up.

... it's good havin' the 500 Series, 'cause when an architect
sends plans, ya get this. these are all extra blueprints I'll
not be needin', due to the fact that I already took the roof-
related drawings out... which is normally about 6 to 8 pages.
ya know, architects are pretty fuckin' retarded if ya ask me...

... but, somebody's gotta design buildings and stuff,
ya know. like this here grossery store, for instance...

... or, this Cheese Island. look, I'm not making this up...

... say! ya needs a few new tools, if'n ya wanna read Blueprints.
like my little Scalemaster, here. it's like a tiny Wheel of Fortune...

... or, my Draft Day Kit. not shown: hypadermic needles...

... and, ya need a plan table, too. sometimes I hide behind this...

... here's a close up of what Professional Roofers are really like. not.
all fucked up, and cuttin' stuff up with an Acetelene torch.?!?! looks
more like a Mad Scientists' Convention. we don't use cuttin' torches...

... we use ropes and hammers and knives and trowels and
stuff. oh, yeah, sometimes, the old tools are the best ones...

... and, I gotta tell ya, when I wanna see a roof, there ain't
no stoppin' my old friend, Google Earth. yup. ya know, last
year, I downloaded the special Google Earth Waldo Edition.
oh, yeah, you guessed it... it'll find anything...

I feel dizzy...

last week's Big Blog

CRY FOUL

2008-07-20T09:16:00.000-07:00

ILLEGAL USE OF HANDS
well, I'm certainly glad to be here today, regardless of what
old boy, here, has to say. yo, 4Q2, pal. that said, it's a joy to be
at the computer on a Sunday morning... whilst actually having
some access to the internets. woo-hoo! for the next few weeks
or so, I'll probabaly be posting the Big Blog from Panera's Box,
what, with all the suave mother-fuckin' coffee & food they gots
here. hell, I had a Souffle' this morning. it was pretty fuckin' gay,
if ya ask me (not that there's anything wrong with that), but- ah,
- hey, that's a post for another day. so, anyway, the Church of the
NFL opened it's doors for the year yesterday morning, when the
Washington Foreskins started their 2008 Training Cramp. yup.
so, anyhow, I got to thinkin' about penalties and stuff... now, my
all time favorite penalty is the Illegal Groin-Pull. there's also the
Illegal Head-Pull, the vile Illegal Kick in the Nuts, the gnarly
Illegal Eye-Poke, and the underrated Illegal Dis-Embowelment
of an Opposing Quarterback. unfortunately, the above referenced
fouls aren't documented real well. so, today, we're gonna take a look
at the old Illegal Use of Hands trickster. come on... let's take a scroll...

ahh yeah. a classic example. looks like old boy, here,
is tryin' to get himself fitted for a new Bowling Ball...

... but, not this guy. this sort of Dirty Love is illegal
in 47 States, the European Union, and in Japan...

... this is a lot harder to enforce, however. that's right, you guessed it,
it's the old Bottomless Popcorn Tub trick. old school stuff, this one...
... the idea is to rip the bottom panel out of the tubster, then invite
your date to have some delicious popcorn. until she strikes gold, that
is... and you wind up gettin' a lickety-split handjob from old girl, there...

... oh, ladies- I forgot to mention that if'n y'all don't have
a date for the evening, this works for self-service, as well.

say! speakin' of handjobs, check out old Handjob Hillary!
this is a case of Illegal Use of Hands if'n ever I saw one...

... and, here's the disgusting detail shot from that incident...

... now, most people like that usually start out young. real young...

... and wind up getting punished for their infractions. this one's
a Double-Foul, though, 'cause it's an Illegal Spanking in progress.

this is Illegal Use of Color, an actual screen shot of the
Google search page when I did a web search for "black"...

... which led me to Johnny Cash, here, the original Man
In Black, with his own version of Illegal Use of Hands...

... sometimes, Illegal Use of Hands is done deliberately, as is
seen here, where the guy on the right is copping a Cheap Feel.
okay, campers... this is where it crosses the line from being a
game penalty to being a Class 4 Felony punishable by jail time.
the poor guy on the left is helpless, and can't avoid the perversion...

... ahh, but, ultra-slick Politico John Kerry manages to
avoid the Illegal Use of Hands call simply by taking this
shot to the face. oh, man. no wonder he lost, ya know it?

here's Samuel L. Jackson giving himself an
AppleGram... a definate Illegal Use of Hands...

... this, though... uh... well, this is just plain old sick and
wrong on so many levels. definately illegal in Germany...

... as is Felony Nose-Picking, a little-known, Euro-
Trash version of the Illegal Use of Hands penalty...
... yo, slick-- hey, pick me a winner...

... speakin' of winner, this loser ain't. he's about to
commit his own little Illegal Use of Hands infraction...

Lobsters with Cutlery? Illegal Use of Claws. you bet...

... but, how could this post be complete without this little guy?
I gotta tell ya, this just revs up the old imagination, ya know it?
yup. FuckTards. ya gotta love 'em...

thanks for stopping by... see ya next week.

last week's Big Blog

TRUTH IN ADVERTISING

2008-06-29T14:37:00.000-07:00

SEPERATES US FROM LOWER LIFE-FORMS
it's true. first, let me apologize for posting this something like...
... ohhhh... 7 hours late? yeah, uhhh. well, things aren't always
what they seem- or what you may at first think. case in point:
today's Big Blog got suspendered due to lack of bandwidth. yup.
the old internets cut right the hell out, at the moment of truth.
now, most Sundays, I'd just grab old lappy and high-tail it for
some WiFi hotspot, or even to work (GAAAAACKKK! ! ! !)...
... sadly, on this Sunday, I didn't have that option, as I have a
metric fuckload of shtein to get done, here at the old Hacienda.
hey, I thought maybe I'd do a re-run today... but, ya know, the
batch of fucks over at unbalanced Standards & Practices would
have none of it. fucking Bastards. so, here we are, it's 7:00 PM
here in lovely Baltimore... and I'm doing my (gaaack) Morning
Post (gaaack). well, Fuck-All, anyway. I took me a little road-
trip a couple weeks back, so I might as well post these images
here, today. as you can see from the top image, there, I got me
a pretty Shit-ty welcome, ya know it? hey, but, I will say this:
it was true. so, come on. grab yaz a Wad'O'Beef Jerky, already...

welcome to Shit. a real shit-hole. home of Silberman's. yup.

just past that was this innovative razor ad. not as if I'd buy
anything from this marauding band of Son-Of-A-Bitches...

... who are the same fucks responsible for this White-Out ad.

fuck that. Mr. Clean, here, is Johnny-On-The-Spot.
he wiped those White-Out cocksuckers off the streets.

Shit Shit Store. this, of course, is where you go any-
time you need to run out and pick up some shit...

... hey, they even sell this slutty Prostitute
Paris Hilton Barbie Play-Set, ya know it?

this is the gym next door. yo, I personally did NOT
work out whilst I was passing through Shit. God, no...

... but, I did get a great photo of their Day-Care Center...

... which made me look for a coffee bar.
boyo, hey, Espresso, and all, and, oh, yeah...
... too bad I didn't find it here, ya know it?

well. looks like Kentucky-Fucky's down for the count, eh?

no worrys, though. fucking Donutland is always stocked...

... them, and the Shit Big Boy. I ain't eatin'
here, though. no fucking way I touch this...

... hey, Mac's is open. too bad... they're SO sub-par...

... fortuneately, though, Public Barfing is allowed, here in Shit...

... just ask this guy. fucking retard.

hey, they're even honest in their politics. oh, my, O'Bama...

... but, this ad-flyer I found on my truck was the best. yup.
"Flatulant Butt-Hole". in caps. oh, my...

... ullp... ulllp... ullplpllp... BLLAAAAAAAWWWWWWWG...

see ya next week...

last week's Big Blog

ANNIVERSARY EXTRAVAGANZA III

2008-06-22T09:35:00.000-07:00

CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON!
... and, what a year it's been. geez, there's been a lot goin'
on, ya know it? aside from the authorities being after me
(see top image), and the fact that Jesus Christ ate my blog...
... well, we got to find out a few things this year. like, just for
instance, we got to find out that Ray Charles really is blind,
I found out that I was accused of Arson, and the rest of you
got to find out that I went and ran down a beotch. hey, at
least I got around in the car some this year. that said, I ac-
tually avoided overseas travel in the last 12 months, due in
no small part to items like this gay travel poster. I did get a
chance to go Hollywood, though. yeah, that was alright... but
what wasn't alright was multiple disasters caused by a roving
batch of flyin' monkeys, who killed millions. well, at least I
wasn't accused of having shit for brains. yup. all that said, I
was able to uncover the Best Caption Ever. Ever. so, alrighty,
then... let's take a little look back today, at the year that was...

I got alienated by little green men. oh, did that suck...

... but, it didn't suck as bad as this...

... lucky for me, I really know my shit...

... 'cause if I didn't, I'd have to ride the Short Bus!

say, did I mention I designed one of those silly Bumper Stickers?

hey, I went to see my Dentist this year. good thing, too...

... 'cause I was havin' a hard time eatin' leftovers and stuff...

... I couldn't even eat this disgusting can of soft Mock-Food...

... and, McDonald's was absolutely out of the question.
ya know, that place is just really fucked up anyway...

... but, not as fucked up as this here Chinese Restaraunt.

say! this year, I also invented the "AppleGram"!

remember when cyber-legend CJ Sorg went and milked this Steer?

... or old Santa, here, gettin' into the old Holiday Spirit?

speakin' of Holidays, what Holiday Season could ever even
possibly be complete without the "Circum-Navigator"?

it's true, I did get around quite a bit on the old interstates
this year... I even got this kick-ass photo of a car fire...

... speaking of Interstates, here's one of my videos, which I
started posting this year. check out my youtube page, too.

ah, and I wrote my 1000th Post this year.
boy, oh boy... that's a lot of shtein...

... but, ya know, I really need to put this in here. far and away,
in my opinion, the Best Graphic of the Year. oh, yeah...

go ahead. ya know ya want to...

oh, my. thanks for visiting with me. see ya next week...

last week's Big Blog
last year's Anniversary Extravaganza

THE HOMO DEPOT

2008-06-15T09:41:00.000-07:00

GAY IS AS GAY DOES, I GUESS...
... well. rub-a-dub-dub, mother fucker! wow. where to start
on this one, huh? fact is, there's queers throughout society
these days. the bastards don't even bother hidin' out in the
old closet anymore, they're just... well, they're just there, so
to speak. not that I have anything against 'em, mind you. hey,
I myself am a Lesbian trapped in a man's body, ya know it?
the only thing that gets me, really, is when they try to push
the Gay-ness onto others. lookit, if'n y'all wanna ride the old
baloney pony in your free time, whatever. I just don't wanna
hear about how ya got yer butt plugged last night. y'all just
keep that shit amongst yourselves. I went to school with a
guy who woke up one day, sayin' to himself, "say, I've got an
idea... ". turns out the idea was to start bein' a pole-smoker...
... not that there's anything wrong with that... but... butt...
... butt, just for arguements' sake, we'll call this guy, "Kenny".
yup. so, whenever ya hear me talk about someone "turnin'
Kenny"... well, now ya know what I mean. that said, we stayed
in touch with old boy, there... that is until he wouldn't stop
jibber-jabberin' about his sex life. now, he's AWOL. whatever.
oh, and the "butt" of our jokes (arrrrrrrgghhhh). this week,
let's take a look at these... guys(?)... ummmm... ummmm...

Homosexuality is just rampant in the military, ya know it?
oh, yeah. 'specially in the old Navy, boyo. give 'im a hand...

... turns out some cops are gay, too. real gay...

... but, not as gay as the King. God, this is SO fucked up...

... see? what a homo...

... now, gays are notoriously good cooks, too... as is evidenced
by this here birthday cake. well, maybe it's not his birthday...

... maybe he just wanted to pull a rabbit out of his ass...
... or a gerbil...

... and, when he's done pullin'... just spit it out. homo.

this is just plain sick and wrong.

ah, fag-fashion. yup. old boy wants to get lei-ed,
I guess, by the looks of this luau leisure suit...

... oh, they like leather, too. just ask these two...

... oh, you fuckin' blatant homo... god, my EYES...

... watch out for this prankster at costume parties and stuff.
old boy, here, likes to hide in the bathroom and surprise ya.

oh, yeah. a sane look at it all.

check out handsome and handless. just plain evil, these two...

... but not nearly as evil as these two. Merry X-Mas, fags...

... very, very gay. as queer as it gets, this image...

... even more queer than this box of Pork Faggots...

... check out this gay robot video.

don't take food from 'em, either. you don't know
where that fruit's been. well, okay, maybe you do...

... and if you don't... well, just pray that it stays that way...

... 'cause knowledge is a very, very, dangerous thing. yup.

THE HOMO DEPOT. YOUR SOURCE FOR TOOLS.

stay on the straight and narrow out there...

last week's Big Blog