LET'S GO SHOPPING!

UNBALANCED GIFT GUIDE '07
well, my little Holiday Trek continues Southward today; that's right,
as you read this, I'm actually on the road again... but, through the Magic
of Bloogle, I'm really posting this from the past. see, there's only a week
or so left before the Big One hits, and I figure, maybe some of you out
there could use a little last minute advice on what to get (or, NOT get) for
the loved ones on your shopping lists this Holiday Season. yup. that mouth-
ful having been said, this week's Big Blog is a veritable what's-what in the
gift-giving universe this year. indeed, y'all can't rely on old Santy Claus,
'cause that big fat fuck has got himself an agenda (see top image). take it
from me, campers... I've got the list... I've checked it twice... and, I don't
give a fuck who's been naughty or nice, 'cause that prerogative belongs to a
400 pound frozen bastard from the North Pole, and his vicious little ring of
midgets, clowns, and Nordic Farm Animals. oh, my. so, come on with me...
grab a needle , string and popcorn... throw a Jenny Craig dinner into the
old microwave... get ready to Binge and Purge, and, hey-- scroll on down...










wanna score big points this year? get your Little Princess
a Visa and a cell phone. already did? then, scroll no further...










... but, if'n ya didn't, ya might want to consider this pseudo-
conservative "Scarface" Action Play Set. coke not included.










this one's a classic... the old Poopin' Penguin trickster. yup.











or, go from Poopin' to Peepin' with this swell new Mattel
Peeping Tom Holiday Gift Pack. ages 6 and up only, please.










do NOT give your child a frog this Christmas...
Junior, here's spent 9 months at a wart specialist.










hey, look, these are the classics. the no-way-you-
can-go-wrong gifts. somebody buy this guy a beer!










Mustache Wax. Must(ache) have. 'nuff said.










yo, Bowling Balls are a laugh-a-minute, ya know it?










even this guy bowls. now, he just needs to get a life...










... but, Bowling With Pigs isn't the life I had in mind.










get your family pet this great-lookin' Cone Collar this year.
yup. it'll block him from all that disgusting licking and stuff...










... and, say, it's fashionable for kitty, too.
oh, and is old girl, here, pissed! oh, yeah.










check it out, they even make the Paula Abdul Special.










'course it's all fun and games 'til someone loses an eye...










... but, no problemo, if'n ya know this blocking technique.










speaking of losing an eye, VooDoo dolls are a bad idea.










yup. all that puncturin' leads to bigger things...
... say hello to "My Little Bloodthirsty Unicorn"...










... which, of course, will eventually lead to this little gem,
"My Little Pain and Suffering Inflicting Meat Grinder"...










... and, lastly, this "John the Baptist Decapitation
Kit"... once standard issue for 1930's Hitler Youth.










oh, one last thing: do NOT buy "Jarts" for a three year old.
look, just don't do it, ya know? it's a recipe for disater...










... speaking of disaster, men, you can avoid one
just by watching this educational video here. yup.




see ya next week...

last week's Big Blog