CRY FOUL

ILLEGAL USE OF HANDS
well, I'm certainly glad to be here today, regardless of what
old boy, here, has to say. yo, 4Q2, pal. that said, it's a joy to be
at the computer on a Sunday morning... whilst actually having
some access to the internets. woo-hoo! for the next few weeks
or so, I'll probabaly be posting the Big Blog from Panera's Box,
what, with all the suave mother-fuckin' coffee & food they gots
here. hell, I had a Souffle' this morning. it was pretty fuckin' gay,
if ya ask me (not that there's anything wrong with that), but- ah,
- hey, that's a post for another day. so, anyway, the Church of the
NFL opened it's doors for the year yesterday morning, when the
Washington Foreskins started their 2008 Training Cramp. yup.
so, anyhow, I got to thinkin' about penalties and stuff... now, my
all time favorite penalty is the Illegal Groin-Pull. there's also the
Illegal Head-Pull, the vile Illegal Kick in the Nuts, the gnarly
Illegal Eye-Poke, and the underrated Illegal Dis-Embowelment
of an Opposing Quarterback. unfortunately, the above referenced
fouls aren't documented real well. so, today, we're gonna take a look
at the old Illegal Use of Hands trickster. come on... let's take a scroll...











ahh yeah. a classic example. looks like old boy, here,
is tryin' to get himself fitted for a new Bowling Ball...












... but, not this guy. this sort of Dirty Love is illegal
in 47 States, the European Union, and in Japan...












... this is a lot harder to enforce, however. that's right, you guessed it,
it's the old Bottomless Popcorn Tub trick. old school stuff, this one...
... the idea is to rip the bottom panel out of the tubster, then invite
your date to have some delicious popcorn. until she strikes gold, that
is... and you wind up gettin' a lickety-split handjob from old girl, there...












... oh, ladies- I forgot to mention that if'n y'all don't have
a date for the evening, this works for self-service, as well.












say! speakin' of handjobs, check out old Handjob Hillary!
this is a case of Illegal Use of Hands if'n ever I saw one...












... and, here's the disgusting detail shot from that incident...












... now, most people like that usually start out young. real young...












... and wind up getting punished for their infractions. this one's
a Double-Foul, though, 'cause it's an Illegal Spanking in progress.












this is Illegal Use of Color, an actual screen shot of the
Google search page when I did a web search for "black"...












... which led me to Johnny Cash, here, the original Man
In Black, with his own version of Illegal Use of Hands...












... sometimes, Illegal Use of Hands is done deliberately, as is
seen here, where the guy on the right is copping a Cheap Feel.
okay, campers... this is where it crosses the line from being a
game penalty to being a Class 4 Felony punishable by jail time.
the poor guy on the left is helpless, and can't avoid the perversion...












... ahh, but, ultra-slick Politico John Kerry manages to
avoid the Illegal Use of Hands call simply by taking this
shot to the face. oh, man. no wonder he lost, ya know it?












here's Samuel L. Jackson giving himself an
AppleGram... a definate Illegal Use of Hands...












... this, though... uh... well, this is just plain old sick and
wrong on so many levels. definately illegal in Germany...












... as is Felony Nose-Picking, a little-known, Euro-
Trash version of the Illegal Use of Hands penalty...
... yo, slick-- hey, pick me a winner...












... speakin' of winner, this loser ain't. he's about to
commit his own little Illegal Use of Hands infraction...












Lobsters with Cutlery? Illegal Use of Claws. you bet...












... but, how could this post be complete without this little guy?
I gotta tell ya, this just revs up the old imagination, ya know it?
yup. FuckTards. ya gotta love 'em...



thanks for stopping by... see ya next week.

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