FUTURE TIMES
THE FUTURE IS NOW
everything else is History. yup. welcome, friends, to the Future.
this week, through the magic of Bloogle, we're gonna take a look
into the old Crystal Ball, and get a little glimpse of things to come.
no, not like that, gutterminds... I mean things that will happen at
a later date. now, don't lose any sleep over any of this stuff if ya
see something that upsets ya... this is all pre-destined, and there
isn't a damned thing anybody can do to stop it, either. but, hey, it's
not all bad, ya know it? for example, there's the Anti-Gravity Cat
up top, there... which will eliminate the need for airplanes... better
get some safety goggles, though, 'cause it looks like little Tabbie,
there, would gouge your eyes out, given half a chance. you bet. so,
that said, go on and fasten your safety belt, grab a couple of jars
of Tang and a handful of Space Food Sticks, and scroll on down...
in the Future, the Space Race will definately heat up again...
... and, like the present, the offspring technology will benefit
society. this Future police android is a result of that scenario...
... unfortunately, Big Brother will also be alive and well.
in the Future, cars will be DeLoreans with time machines
on board... so, nobody will ever be late for work again...
... and Congress will sanction the use of cab drivers to
help keep down the number of bicyclists on the road...
... as well as legalize being under the influence of Alcohol or
Drugs while operating a motor vehicle or heavy machinery.
in the Future, medicine will become Socialized, so that even
giant mutants such as this guy get the medical treatment they
need. not that it'll help; see, they're gonna eliminate malpractice
suits, too. case in point: this mutant has a broken left wrist...
...but, at least he doen't need a Skin Graft. boy, are those
ever gonna go downhill. it's almost enough to start a riot...
... but, if they do, Big Brother is ready for 'em. they'll have these
scoopers, like in Soylent Green... which is made out of people...
... and you'll buy it at the Mood Fart. they're gonna have to
change the names of these, 'cause food won't exist anymore...
... which is why "FridgeHenge" will be created. wow.
this'll absolutely fuck over some future archaeologist.
in the Future, we'll discover that Hillary
is actually a robot. what a surprise...
... but, we won't be surprised to learn that old
W, here, has discovered his true calling in life.
in the Future, all Cheerleaders will get to carry Uzis.
"you'd BETTER give me a 'C', you motherfuckers"...
... but, most of us will have deadly, brain-frying ray guns...
... unfortunately, they will be issued to the stupid, as well.
in the Future, Tard Hunting will become a league sport...
... and will eventually supplant both NASCAR and the NFL
as the number-one all-time spectator sport. I can't wait...
... listen, I gotta go take my meds, ya know it?
yup, that's right... fuck it all.
see ya next week. stay safe out there...
last week's Big Blog
THE FUTURE IS NOW
everything else is History. yup. welcome, friends, to the Future.
this week, through the magic of Bloogle, we're gonna take a look
into the old Crystal Ball, and get a little glimpse of things to come.
no, not like that, gutterminds... I mean things that will happen at
a later date. now, don't lose any sleep over any of this stuff if ya
see something that upsets ya... this is all pre-destined, and there
isn't a damned thing anybody can do to stop it, either. but, hey, it's
not all bad, ya know it? for example, there's the Anti-Gravity Cat
up top, there... which will eliminate the need for airplanes... better
get some safety goggles, though, 'cause it looks like little Tabbie,
there, would gouge your eyes out, given half a chance. you bet. so,
that said, go on and fasten your safety belt, grab a couple of jars
of Tang and a handful of Space Food Sticks, and scroll on down...
in the Future, the Space Race will definately heat up again...
... and, like the present, the offspring technology will benefit
society. this Future police android is a result of that scenario...
... unfortunately, Big Brother will also be alive and well.
in the Future, cars will be DeLoreans with time machines
on board... so, nobody will ever be late for work again...
... and Congress will sanction the use of cab drivers to
help keep down the number of bicyclists on the road...
... as well as legalize being under the influence of Alcohol or
Drugs while operating a motor vehicle or heavy machinery.
in the Future, medicine will become Socialized, so that even
giant mutants such as this guy get the medical treatment they
need. not that it'll help; see, they're gonna eliminate malpractice
suits, too. case in point: this mutant has a broken left wrist...
...but, at least he doen't need a Skin Graft. boy, are those
ever gonna go downhill. it's almost enough to start a riot...
... but, if they do, Big Brother is ready for 'em. they'll have these
scoopers, like in Soylent Green... which is made out of people...
... and you'll buy it at the Mood Fart. they're gonna have to
change the names of these, 'cause food won't exist anymore...
... which is why "FridgeHenge" will be created. wow.
this'll absolutely fuck over some future archaeologist.
in the Future, we'll discover that Hillary
is actually a robot. what a surprise...
... but, we won't be surprised to learn that old
W, here, has discovered his true calling in life.
in the Future, all Cheerleaders will get to carry Uzis.
"you'd BETTER give me a 'C', you motherfuckers"...
... but, most of us will have deadly, brain-frying ray guns...
... unfortunately, they will be issued to the stupid, as well.
in the Future, Tard Hunting will become a league sport...
... and will eventually supplant both NASCAR and the NFL
as the number-one all-time spectator sport. I can't wait...
... listen, I gotta go take my meds, ya know it?
yup, that's right... fuck it all.
see ya next week. stay safe out there...
last week's Big Blog
THE FUTURE IS NOW
everything else is History. yup. welcome, friends, to the Future.
this week, through the magic of Bloogle, we're gonna take a look
into the old Crystal Ball, and get a little glimpse of things to come.
no, not like that, gutterminds... I mean things that will happen at
a later date. now, don't lose any sleep over any of this stuff if ya
see something that upsets ya... this is all pre-destined, and there
isn't a damned thing anybody can do to stop it, either. but, hey, it's
not all bad, ya know it? for example, there's the Anti-Gravity Cat
up top, there... which will eliminate the need for airplanes... better
get some safety goggles, though, 'cause it looks like little Tabbie,
there, would gouge your eyes out, given half a chance. you bet. so,
that said, go on and fasten your safety belt, grab a couple of jars
of Tang and a handful of Space Food Sticks, and scroll on down...
in the Future, the Space Race will definately heat up again...
... and, like the present, the offspring technology will benefit
society. this Future police android is a result of that scenario...
... unfortunately, Big Brother will also be alive and well.
in the Future, cars will be DeLoreans with time machines
on board... so, nobody will ever be late for work again...
... and Congress will sanction the use of cab drivers to
help keep down the number of bicyclists on the road...
... as well as legalize being under the influence of Alcohol or
Drugs while operating a motor vehicle or heavy machinery.
in the Future, medicine will become Socialized, so that even
giant mutants such as this guy get the medical treatment they
need. not that it'll help; see, they're gonna eliminate malpractice
suits, too. case in point: this mutant has a broken left wrist...
...but, at least he doen't need a Skin Graft. boy, are those
ever gonna go downhill. it's almost enough to start a riot...
... but, if they do, Big Brother is ready for 'em. they'll have these
scoopers, like in Soylent Green... which is made out of people...
... and you'll buy it at the Mood Fart. they're gonna have to
change the names of these, 'cause food won't exist anymore...
... which is why "FridgeHenge" will be created. wow.
this'll absolutely fuck over some future archaeologist.
in the Future, we'll discover that Hillary
is actually a robot. what a surprise...
... but, we won't be surprised to learn that old
W, here, has discovered his true calling in life.
in the Future, all Cheerleaders will get to carry Uzis.
"you'd BETTER give me a 'C', you motherfuckers"...
... but, most of us will have deadly, brain-frying ray guns...
... unfortunately, they will be issued to the stupid, as well.
in the Future, Tard Hunting will become a league sport...
... and will eventually supplant both NASCAR and the NFL
as the number-one all-time spectator sport. I can't wait...
... listen, I gotta go take my meds, ya know it?
yup, that's right... fuck it all.
see ya next week. stay safe out there...
last week's Big Blog
expunged by doctor chip @ 7:42 AM
2 Comments:
I love it! I'm thinking that perpetual motion slash dot anti-gravity technique would be an excellent replacement for my SUV gas tank.
Only one question, all out of butter - will Parkay work?
Thanks for adding what Orwell didn't have the balls to.
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