~ I N F L A T A B L E S ~

MISTER FUCKING PEANUT...
... is dry-humping some other balloon, by the looks of this
magnificent bastard of an image, eh, campers? pokin' the
other one's freakin' eye out, too, looking at it. that's right,
this week, we're gonna take a Big Blog look at Inflatables,
woo-hoo! now, Inflatables are fun and harmless, and they
are some of the greatest things ever invented by man. yup.
man first flew in a Balloon (although it was not a Mr Peanut
balloon), we roll our cars and trucks down the roadways on
Inflatables (tires), and Inflatables even allow those who are
ugly as Sin to have near-normal sex, you bet. ya got Balloon
Animals (always a Hoot), Inflatable Advertising (hey, the old
Goodyear Blimp, ya know it?), and even Inflatable Santy-Claus
come Christmastime. yeah, Buddy, Inflatables are an integral
part of today's Modern-Now-A-Go-Go Society, and they're
here to stay, I'm here to tell you. so, don't go thinking we're
full of Hot Air today... grab yourselves a fistful of Dramamine,
there, campers... we're gonna go for a little ride-ski, oh yeah...












old Mr Peanut up top, there doesn't have a Monopoly on
goofy-shaped Balloons... get a load of this Hot-Air Parrot.












you can also fill Balloons with Water, ya know...












... just make sure they stay filled with something... or
else you'll wind up in some trouble like these poor fucks.












here's a swell Inflatable kids' Water Slide... although
I'm not really sure the Titanic was a very good choice.

























the Military has been using Inflatable Decoys like these
terrific blow-up trucks since World War II. go, Army...












... and, these surplus Decoy Missiles make for a
fantastic practical joke out on the open highway.












hey, the Church has been using this Inflatable Jesus for years...












... and, Pink Floyd had their very own Inflatable Flying Pig...












... but, in the end, they had to get rid of it,
'cause it left all kinds of Inflatable Pig Shit.

























check out this Inflatable Leg Lamp.
it's a Major Award, and stuff...












... and, old Sponge Bob, here, looks particularly
dashing dressed up as an Inflatable Pirate. yup.












ah, but the greatest of all uses for Inflatables
has got to be the Blow-Up Sex Doll... I mean,
think about it~ not only do they allow very
ugly people to have near-normal (ahem) sex,
but they're absolutely a riot at parties, too...












... and. you can organize Clubs and Societies based on them...












... hey, kids love 'em too, ya know it? yeah, you go, Junior...

























Lesbians got 'em, too. just check out this swell Clam-
Digger (not that there's anything wrong with that)...












... that's right, Republicans dig 'em, too...












... and, even the Democrats are in on the action.












Hell, they even make 'em for dogs these days. oh, my...












... well, I'm just about out of breath, there, campers. yup.
time to hit the road, methinks. hey, have a Great Sunday.



see ya next week...

last week's Big Blog

ANNIVERSARY EXTRAVAGANZA IV

RESPECT THE HAT...
... I've earned it. welcome, one and all, to this year's Lollapaloozic,
Jurassic, Monolithic and Gi-Normous Anniversary Extravaganza!
woo-hoo! that's right, donald james simpson / unbalanced is four
years old this week (scary thought, that). so, before we roll on into
Year Five, let's review... let's see~ what all has happened this year?
well, for starters, Party Pig crashed a Wedding. I wound up in an
Apartment Search that ended in the Big Move, and there was this
case of Identity Theft. the company I work for forced me to do a
trade show, we all had some serious fun with Google Earth, and we
got to see the Ass Candle™ and the Ass Cannon. it wasn't all rosy,
though, as a few peeps got upset over this post. what else? oh, yeah~
Sarah Palin was exposed as a slut, we all said Hello to Brocko, the
Cops got hosed down, and there was the usual shenanigans from our
friends at Homeland Security. on top of that, I threw in my two cents
on sex offenders, there was "A Tale of Two Beers", and we had a few
more insightful Health Tips. oh~ I almost forgot, I wrote two more
wonderful children's books, too. hey, Fire Farting Week was a blast,
ya know it? then, there was the time that the old Worm Hole landed
us at the World's Worst Zit. yup. we caught the last train to Auschwitz,
and we continued our movie mayhem, which included another swell
cooking lesson and a (gasp) dirty movie. the Holidays were nearly all
good this past year... Labor Day was a Hoot, as usual; we had some
real fun on St. Patrick's Day, and Mammorial Day Week was big big
big. Easter was terrific, as always, but (slap my ass and call ma a bitch),
we didn't get the Christmas Big Blog done, although we did post a gem
of a sing-along. that said, regular readers (you know who you are) out
there already know I had to just relax and watch a little Boob Tube.
hey, though, it's true, we returned after a two-month sabbatical... and
life is mostly peachy. did I mention that this year we won ourselves a
Major Award? true, dat. come on, forget about the bra up top, there,
already... a man's got the right to do whatever he wants in the privacy
of his own Home Sweet Home... so, grab yourselves a barf bag or two,
and some Pepto Bismol, there, campers... and, let's go for a little scroll...













we discovered some very disturbing trends this year...













... but, we also had a look at the old Inner Sanctum, yup.
this is where I like to keep my Shit Sandwich Spread...













... and, it's not like I enjoy shopping for some puked-up Corn.













ya know, some people might think I'm some kind of a dip...













... but, at least, I'm not fishing for Trouser Trout like old
"Fingers" McCain, here, who's sayin' bye-bye to Bushie...













... who seems to have some kind of an
expanded societal role in The Future.













this, though, is from the present. oh, them wacky Russians...













... they oughtta know that some things are just plain wrong...













... like this swell fire from when we visited the Capital Beltway.













this giraffe is definately into playing some Head Games...













... and, speaking of animals, I think we all know what would happen
if I ran the Zoo; but, Pig Fucking surely was not an Olympic Event...













... nor is inflatable sex. fucking Porn Merchants, ya know it?













it's true, for a while, there, we were playing some catch-up...













... but, as they say, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.













Hell, I even came out of the closet this year. yup...













... which is where this kid needs to go... either that, or else
it's back to school... my. quite the symbol of stupidity, this...













... but, these are the one and only Cymbals of Stupidity!













it's been a long year, but every Wednesday we do whatever
we need to do to find a way to get ourselves over the hump...














... even if it's not very charming, ya know it? you bet.

hey, thanks to everybody for stopping by, and thanks for all
of the comments. here's hoping the coming year will be good.




see ya next week...

last week's Big Blog
last year's Anniversary Extravaganza

MAXIMUM HYGEINE

IT'S OF MAXIMUM IMPORTANCE
Happy Sunday, there, campers! today, we here at unbalanced
would like to take a little bit of time to talk about the importance
of... Personal Hygeine. sort of a Pubic Service Announcement, if
you will. yup. now, were not gonna bore ya to death talking about
stuff like Body Odor. no, you'd be pretty hard-pressed to actually
find a person these days who doesn't know all about the pit-falls
of being Pitted Out. that said, there are a number of areas which
do need to be addressed. now, take the image up top, there. that's
hanging in a pubic public restroom somewhere in Arkansas... it's
in Pigsknuckle, Arkansas, to be exact, if'n y'all needs to know, and
the locals down there don't seem to know how to properly use a
toilet (hey, be fair about it, though, guys... I mean- come on, they
only got toilets like three years ago, ya know it?). hey, a little bit
of Good Hygeine goes a long way... and a little bit of Bad Hygeine
goes a long way towards setting back the Human Race a handful
of generations. you bet. that's right, guys- zero in on that fucker.
you, too, Ladies, hey, there, DON'T GET UP 'TIL YOUR'E DONE.
geez, ya made me go and shout about it, and stuff. okay, so, pay
attention, this is important. now, go grab yourselves a gallon of
mouthwash, a tin of Tooth Powder, a big old stick of deodorant...
... and, a can of foot powder (if ya need it)... and scroll on down...












old girl, here, doesn't know the first thing about Maximum Hygeine.
come to think of it, she doesn't know the first thing about dressing
herself, either. hey~ somebody call the Fashion Ploice, already.












Oral (or, Dental) Hygeine is of maximum importance, too. now,
just how is old boy, here, supposed to eat his Corn-on-the-Cob?












Parents, listen up. Maximum Diaper Hygeine is of
paramount importance, 'cause if'n you don't use it...












... your young offspring will end up like this...

























... or, worse, yet, like this. what a fucking Tard.












speaking of Diapers, they make 'em for the Elderly, too; but,
if things get out of hand and ya need to maybe hose 'em down,
you can take 'em to a Senior Wash Center like this one... yup.












People, try to always use Good Hygeine in the Kitchen Area
as well... not only does it keep the vermin away, it stinks less.












now, let's talk about Tampoons (mt favorite). yup, hey- Tampoons
are maybe the single most important item for Maximum Personal
Hygeine... and one of the greatest inventions in the history of Man...












... just be careful who has 'em and who doesn't... especially
if ya likes to get real drunk, just like old boy, here. oh, and
ya gotta be real careful who ya pick to drink with. oh, yeah.

























Tampoons aren't all that nasty, though... just check out
these swell Tampoon Dolls... they're Fun and Harmless...












... as is this suave Tampoon Flute. oh, that wacky Zamfir...












... did I mention that you can make a really nice pair of
Holiday Slippers out of a batch of Kotex? (or, is it Kotexes?)












ya know, your kids are just gonna love this Tampoon End-Loader...












... and this rectacular Tampoon Gun, too. lucky kids these days.

























Tampoons are more than swell at Halloween...












... or, maybe, they just swell at Halloween...












... either way, what could be better than this Tampoon Ninja?












note to self: never, never, NEVER munch a soiled Tampoon.












ya know, all this talk about Hygeine has got me feelin' just a bit
slimy and stuff... I think I'm gonna grab me a nice cold shower...
... Ladies, please remember to take all your make-up off, will ya?



see ya next week...

last week's Big Blog